Today I come before you to announce that when I came before you last week to announce that I might eventually announce that I’m running for mayor — like the next time I’m off my medication — I perhaps was premature.
A number (zero) of longtime supporters since have cautioned me that a citywide political campaign quickly consumes a candidate’s “family time,” which perhaps is why public figures so often resign to spend more time with their families.
So, upon further reflection, I have decided that before announcing I might announce I’m running for mayor, I should consult my devoted wife of 56 years…. Wait, is that supposed to be her age or how long we’ve been married?
I’m sorry. I mean I should consult my devoted wife of 17 years, and I have not. So it’s a good thing she thought I was joking.
Also I have been told that what a citywide political campaign needs first, besides a credible candidate, is a theme around which the voters can rally.
And we all know which issue really gets people’s attention here in Muscogee County: public safety.
So today I pledge to you that if ever I run for mayor and actually win, I will work tirelessly to rid this city of lethal sweat lodges.
As you may have read in the news, more than 50 people seeking a spiritual awakening, in Arizona of all places, recently were crowded into a 415-square-foot sweat lodge, where some self-help guru urged them to remain for two hours. About 30 had to be treated for illness and three died.
Reportedly people paid like $9,000 for this fatal vision quest, which really kind of makes you wonder what they were thinking, and why — if they had $9,000 to blow — they didn’t book a luxury hotel at the beach and get spiritually awakened by a pitcher of frozen margaritas, some conch fritters and a bikini contest.
Suffice to say that mistakes were made, and extreme safety measures must be proposed, such as a ban on sweat lodges.
So, to “stay on message,” let me repeat: If ever I am elected mayor, fatal sweat lodges will NOT be allowed in Columbus, Georgia. No citizen in this community will be charged $9,000 to sweat. Sweating will be free, and remain an activity in which all can participate, regardless of social status or income.
A slogan for this campaign has yet to be devised, but I feel certain that highly paid marketing consultants will come up with something, maybe “Don’t sweat it,” or “Are you free to sweat? Oh yeah! You bet!”
In the interest of openness, transparency and public trust, I here acknowledge that a law narrowly targeting lethal sweat lodges may be difficult to craft, in Columbus in the summer — and in the spring and for most of the fall — because people are sweating in enclosed spaces all over town.
In fact such a ban might have the effect of outlawing my house, where my devoted wife of 17 years won’t let me run the air-conditioner.
When she’s home.
Tim Chitwood, tchitwood@ledger-enquirer.com or 706-571-8508
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