It’s time for my annual Oscar fashion preview. Perhaps you remember some of my previous Oscar fashion previews and … ah-ha! I caught you nodding your head. It was a trick. I’ve never written an Oscar fashion preview!
Until today.
Perhaps this will become my annual Oscar fashion preview. Regardless, after hearing several of my female co-workers gush about blogging and commenting on the fashions on display during tonight’s Academy Awards coverage, I decided it would be reprehensible of me not to lend my vast fashion expertise to the discussion.
I’m almost as excited as these women around here. In fact, I’m even dressing tonight as if I were on the red carpet myself. That’s right — I’m wearing underwear.
I will be GLUED to the TV tonight when the stars start making their way down the red carpet, hoping to be cornered by an entertainment “journalist” who will ask them probing questions about the world of acting, such as “So, what are you wearing?”
Sure, when they ask this question right in front of a TV camera, it’s considered journalism. But when I ask the same question of the sweet-sounding receptionist on the phone or a congressman asks the same question of his intern in an Internet chat room, all of the sudden it’s considered inappropriate. So unfair.
Why don’t these red carpet journalists ask questions that matter? Such as: “Why is there a Best Actor and a Best Actress Oscar? Acting is acting, right?”
If they asked me what I was wearing, I’d probably respond, “Um, Oscar de la Hoya, I think. Oh, and underwear.”
Actually, if they asked me what I was wearing, it would sound more like “WHAT are you wearing?!” Or, perhaps, “Security!”
Anyway, here are my Oscar fashion predictions for this year:
— All of the women will wear shoes that cause extreme damage to their feet, cost more than my truck and still cause my co-workers to squeal with delight.
— No matter how expensive his tux, Jeff Bridges will still look like a castaway who’d been rescued just hours earlier.
— Every guy’s tuxedo will pretty much look like every other guy’s tuxedo.
— At least one female nominee will wear an outfit so revealing that she turns too quickly and shows the world her “girls” (hopefully Maggie Gyllenhaal and not Meryl Streep).
— The price of all the outfits combined could build five new Haitis.
— And no one will grasp the irony that they’re all dressing up in hopes that at the end of the night they’ll be holding a statuette of a naked man.
Chris Johnson, whose column runs on Sundays, can be reached at 706-320-4403.
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