Isolated. Lonely. Helpless. Humiliated. Afraid. Anxious. Trapped.
That’s how Carla Burgess and Erica Edwards felt before they found Hope Harbour, a nonprofit organization that provides emergency shelter and services for victims of domestic violence.
Carla and Erica suffered severe beatings and verbal abuse from their husbands. They covered their bruises, bandaged their cuts and bowed their heads in shame.
Sometimes they thought they would die. Sometimes they wanted to die. But Carla and Erica chose life. They escaped to Hope Harbour where they found hope and courage.
Strong. Hopeful. Thankful. Free.
Those are the words that Carla and Erica use to describe themselves now.
Carla and Erica say Hope Harbour saved their lives. While staying at the shelter, their bodies and minds healed and they found hope.
Hope Harbour’s executive director Diane Hett wants all domestic violence victims to feel that hope.
In the United States, domestic violence will affect 1 in 4 women at some point in their lives, according to the Georgia Coalition against Domestic Violence.
In 2009, Georgia was rated the 10th highest state in the nation for the rate at which men kill women. In 2010, Georgia mourned at least 130 domestic violence related deaths.
As Hope Harbour gets ready for its September 22 fundraiser luncheon, Carla and Erica agree to share their stories.
Erica
It’s difficult for strong, confident Erica to remember her past. She was named employee of the month this summer at Sam’s Club. When she’s not at work she babysits for the children of other working moms. She’s self-sufficient, independent and doesn’t tolerate nonsense.
“It seems like a different life,” she says as she struggles to remember when the abuse began.
When they started dating, Erica thought it was sweet that her boyfriend was so protective. He would get jealous if he thought other guys were looking at Erica. He made Erica feel special and desired.
After they married, he became more controlling. He monitored the call log on her cellphone. He shouted at her when he saw unfamiliar phone numbers. He started criticizing her wardrobe. He accused her of dressing seductively. He wanted her to change her hair. Then he started controlling who she could see and when she could leave the house. Male friends were forbidden. Certain female friends were off limits. Soon she couldn’t see family members.
Erica kept thinking she just needed to work harder to make her husband happier. If she could just keep the house cleaner, if she could just cook a better dinner, if she could just figure him out, everything would be OK.
“I was trying to please him. Thinking I’m the problem,” Erica says.
Then the physical abuse began. At first, her husband would pull at her arms. Then came shoving and later slapping. Eventually he started punching her, sometimes with heavy objects. At first, he avoided her face. Later he didn’t.
Erica became depressed. She stopped caring about her appearance. She lost weight. She was embarrassed to see old friends. She considered suicide.
Once her husband held a gun to her head. “‘I’ll kill you,’” he promised. “I said I’d do it for him,” she remembers.
A co-worker from Sam’s Club came to Erica’s house when she called in sick for a week. The woman suspected Erica was being abused. She’d watched Erica’s weight dwindle. She’d watched Erica tremble and shake for no apparent reason. When she came to Erica’s house and saw her badly bruised body, black eye and swollen face, the co-worker could watch no more. Erica was ready to leave and the co-worker was happy to help.
In 2009, after a hospital visit and a talk with police, Erica was taken to Hope Harbour where she stayed for three months.
The location of the shelter is a secret. Its mission is not. Erica received counseling, meals and comfort. She shared her story with other victims. She laughed. She cried. She healed.
She learned the abuse was not her fault. She realized there was nothing she could have done to make her husband happy. She found hope. When she was ready to leave the shelter, Hope Harbour found money to help Erica pay rent and bills.
Erica was happy with her new life but she missed her husband. She still loved him, and he seemed different. He was sorry. He promised that he’d changed. He swore he’d never hurt her again.
Erica shakes her head with disgust as she admits that she went back to her husband. Turned out he hadn’t changed. But Erica had. The first time her husband attempted to hit her, Erica fought back. Then she left, for good this time. Hope Harbour had given her the confidence she needed to stay away.
“I love doing things for myself and by myself,” she said. Erica hopes her story will inspire other abuse victims to find their inner strength.
“It’s out of that pain that such strength comes,” she says.
Carla
She says she should have known the signs. She was abused in her first marriage but when she met the man who would become her second husband, she was smitten. He was charming. He bought her presents, he doted on her kids, he said she was beautiful.
She ignored her mother’s warning that “something was off” with him.
“It’s so easy to fall in love,” she says.
Three months after the wedding, nothing was easy.
Money was tight. He was always yelling. She was pregnant. She had a miscarriage. When she got pregnant again she was sure things would get better.
They got worse. He didn’t want friends or family to hold his baby. He seemed jealous when the baby was nursing.
“You’re my wife. You should make me happy,” he would scream at Carla.
It didn’t seem possible to make him happy, but Carla kept trying.
He became convinced Carla was cheating on him. He didn’t want her to have any friends, not even her pastor’s wife.
“I kept thinking, he’ll get better with time,” Carla said.
She kept thinking that. Even after he started hitting her with broom handles. Even when he drained their savings account. Even when she started suspecting that he was hitting the children.
After a particularly bad beating, Carla was hospitalized. She tried to leave. In total, she would leave and return three times. She had another baby. He would give her gifts -- flowers and expensive designer handbags -- to apologize for the beatings. He would promise it would never happen again. It always happened again.
In 2008, Carla and her five children escaped for good. After a short stint at another shelter, they came to Hope Harbour. Carla was able to sleep at night. She talked about her abuse. She took parenting classes. Her children received therapy. She learned how to take care of herself and her children. After five months, Hope Harbor helped Carla and her children find their own home. Carla started reconnecting with family and friends. Hope Harbour counselors helped Carla file for divorce and gain custody of her kids. Today Carla owns a beauty salon. Carla has found her voice. She hopes that sharing her story will help other abuse victims find their voices, too.
“I hope I can be that light when they can’t speak,” Carla said. “We must keep hope alive.”
Celebration of Hope 2011 Luncheon
Goal: To raise money to help victims of domestic violence. Hope Harbour is a nonprofit organization that provides emergency shelter and services for victims of domestic violence in the Chattahoochee Judicial Circuit.
When: 11:30 a.m.-1 p.m. Sept. 22
Where: St. Luke Ministry Center
Cost: Tickets are $25. A table of eight costs $200
Information: 706-256-0238 and www.hopeharbour.org
Crisis Line
Women needing help are encouraged to call 706-324-3850 or 800-33HAVEN
(800-334-2836) anytime. The line is staffed 24 hours a day.
Help A Friend
What To Say: You may want a friend or family member to leave an abusive relationship, but leaving can be very dangerous because of the abuser’s desire to gain and maintain power and control over the victim. In fact, most fatalities occur when a victim is in the process of leaving or has left the relationship. Instead of telling your friend to just leave, encourage her to get help and say to her, “You are not alone. I’m here for you to talk.” Let her know that 1 in 4 women experience abuse at some point in their lifetimes and that talking to a domestic violence advocate and planning for her safety is important. Say to your friend, “The abuse is not your fault. There is help available when you are ready.”
What To Do: As a friend or family member to a victim of domestic violence, one of the most powerful and helpful things that you can do to help the person being abused is to be supportive of them and give them information on how to get help. One thing that abusers do to gain and maintain power and control is to isolate victims. When you stay connected to the survivor and share your concern for her safety, you keep her from being as isolated. Explain to the victim that nobody deserves abuse and that there is help by calling a domestic violence advocate at Georgia’s 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline, 1.800.33.HAVEN (1.800.334.2836).
-- Source Georgia Coalition against Domestic Violence
