Attention shoppers: We have a blue light special on Aisle 8 on anything you might like to shoplift. Hurry while supplies last.

The tinkling of thieves' feet tip-toeing around the Columbus area sound familiar? It should. Those elfin creatures known to steal anything not bolted down aren't just limited to the Christmas season.

And neither are those who'd like to make a buck off of turning them in.

Our case in chief: Columbus police get a call to the Macon Road Kmart Saturday afternoon. Word was, a distant cousin to Deepthroat had called the store with information on four people -- two men and two women -- who'd been shoplifting from Kmarts across the Columbus area for months.

Deepthroat gave his name as "Tommy" and had an 850 area code -- that's the Florida panhandle. Tommy, er, Deepthroat said he'd want a reward for his information.

I guess the simple joy of doing something right just wasn't enough for this Floridian. That's probably why Crime Stoppers, not some random Kmart, is the best place to call when you want money in exchange for your dirty secrets.

For all of you who saw me steal Katy Perry's heart last week, be sure to call Crime Stoppers at 706-653-3188. For those of you who saw me steal anything else, keep your mouth shut.