When I die, you're gonna get poked

June 17, 2012 

One of the great things about Facebook is that it lets us virtually keep in touch with a whole bunch of our fellow human beings without actually having to associate in person with all our annoying fellow human beings.

Another great thing about it is that we'll be able to get in touch with all of our fellow human beings even when we're not technically human beings anymore.

That's right, there's now an app for that -- a Facebook app that lets you update your status or leave a message for your fellow human beings even when you've gone to that 4G hotspot in the sky.

It's called "If I Die" and it deems itself "the digital afterlife Facebook application." I'm definitely going to install this on my Facebook page because I just know I'm going to have some stuff to say to all of my Facebook friends when I'm dead and gone. And a whole bunch of them could use a good poke from the afterlife.

I can only imagine what some of my statuses might say. "Good news, there is no hell! Bad news, God is mad. No eternal damnation, but I do have to cut Heaven's grass for the next three millenniums."

Or maybe I'll have time to play one of those mafia zombie farmland whatever games that folks are always trying to get me to join. I don't have time now, but when I'm not cutting Heaven's grass, I might in the afterlife.

Of course, it also makes me wonder what other things might be appearing on Facebook pages from the afterlife.

I could see Elvis posting a picture of a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Or if there is indeed a Hell, perhaps Osama bin Laden posting a picture of himself hanging with some demons and a few dozen very ugly girls. Maybe with the status: "Great! Now I know why they were virgins. :("

Shortly afterward, someone would see something like "George S. Patton likes Osama bin Laden's status."

And, then, in the side of Facebook news feed will be "Saddam Hussein was tagged in Osama bin Laden's photo." Or, "Osama bin Laden just played 'HOT' in Words With Friends."

Also in the feed, perhaps I'll see, "Christopher Columbus just listened to 'Sailing' by Christopher Cross on Spotify."

On Christmas, at the top right, will my page say "Jesus' birthday is today."

Hopefully I'll get an invite to an event such as "Benjamin Franklin invited you to the Fourth of July Blowout Bash."

Or, Noah just checked in as mayor of Mount Ararat on FourSquare.

And with any luck I'll get a friend request from Marilyn Monroe. Trust me, it's OK because I'm bound to beat my wife to the afterlife … although she might beat me when she gets there.

Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent. Follow him at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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