Get ready for the Lazy Olympics

August 5, 2012 

Between the bad rapping at the dull opening ceremony to the glut of NBC-owned channels on my cable system not showing the events they're supposed to, it's been rather difficult for me to get excited about this year's Olympics.

Of course, they're being held in England, a land where folks line up for the opportunity to see an old lady wave at them, so perhaps we've got differing opinions on what constitutes excitement.

Hopefully when the track-and-field action heats up and I'm not watching dull sports like water polo and rowing, I'll get into the Olympic spirit. I need to because next year I'm the honorary chair for the inaugural Lazy Olympics being held next summer in my old stomping grounds of Possum Holler.

Granted, the community is a little behind on Lazy Olympic preparations - OK, they haven't actually started any yet. But I have faith in the good people of Possum Holler, which will have its own team in the Games. Meet some our Possum Hollerans who are favorites to capture aluminum medals (gold is too heavy and tiring to carry) at next year's Lazy Olympics:

Big Larry Tunnamanoor: Big Larry is considered a favorite in the Counterproductive Golf Cart. This is for golfers who are too lazy to walk a golf course even though they could desperately use the cardio. Clocking in at 375 pounds with blood pressure of 210/155, Big Larry also has the added advantage of requiring a case of PBR for 18 holes.

Ethel Appleseed: Ethel has qualified for the Possum Holler squad in the I Think I Can Park a Little Closer event, in which lazy athletes see how long they can ride around a parking lot in search of a spot one space closer to the facility. Ethel has been practicing by spending 20 minutes every night in the Possum Holler Gym parking lot trying to get closer to the door so she won't have to walk another 10 feet before her workout.

Bertha Mayfield: Bertha is expected to win at least a tin medal in the Shopping Cart Abandonment. She is currently riding a six-week winning streak of not yet having pushed her cart into the cart return at the Possum Holler Piggly Wiggly. Of course, her leaving those carts in the middle of parking spaces is how Ethel got started riding around parking lots looking for empty spaces.

Earl Maloney: Earl has his eye on the Riding Mower Despite My Small Yard event. Despite being perfectly healthy, Earl rides a John Deere to cut

his 35-square-foot lawn. In his defense, he often stays on the mower all the way to the Piggly Wiggly, where he picks up a case of PBR for his golf outings with Big Larry.

Chris Johnson: Of course, I can't let my hometown down, especially when I'm the prohibitive favorite in the Still Ain't Doing My Homework. I haven't done it since sixth grade and don't appear to be in any danger of starting.

Smokey Stafford: Smokey is the least likely to medal because he faces a ton of competition in the My Butt, Your Problem competition in which people toss their cigarettes into yards and beaches and onto sidewalks and roads because they're too selfish and lazy to deal with their own filth. While Smokey is happy to commit this criminal offense on a daily basis and spit in God's face by polluting His Earth out of pure laziness, in this event he's merely one of millions.

Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent.

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