With the presidential election less than two months away, I think it’s time we made the voting process a little easier and voting lines a lot shorter by weeding out those who should not be allowed to vote.
Sounds simple enough, huh? Obviously, non-citizens shouldn’t be allowed to vote. And significantly fewer dead people should be allowed to cast ballots, although I’m a little iffy on zombie rights.
But such simple stands barely put a dent in the line at the ballot box, so I’ve come up with a list of some other folks who should not be allowed to cast ballots.
Ÿ If your mind can be changed by a campaign commercial from either side, then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you have watched more than five minutes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you rail against “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” but have seen most of the shows, you’re a hypocrite, which means you aren’t allowed to vote but are surely qualified to run for office.
Ÿ If you have ever been featured in an episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” you’re not allowed to vote … or procreate.
Ÿ With two drastically different choices for president, if you are still undecided, then you aren’t allowed to vote. (It’s not confusing.)
Ÿ If you aren’t willing to examine your own religion with the same sense of reason you use to criticize others, then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you think just raising taxes can fix our economy, then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you think just spending cuts can fix our economy, then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you watched both presidential candidates’ speeches at the conventions and thought either one of them was 100 percent right with no truths stretched and heard no statistics spouted that spurred any skepticism on your part, then you’re too blinded by partisanship and aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If more than half your backside is showing outside the top of your pants, then you’re not allowed to vote – not that it has anything to do with the political process, but I don’t want to stand behind you in line.
Ÿ If you know the name of any droids other than R2D2 and C3PO in the “Star Wars” movie franchise, you aren’t allowed to vote but are allowed to work on my computer.
Ÿ Speaking of movies, if you willingly pay to sit through an hour-and-29-minute campaign commercial, then you aren’t allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you drive with your yapping dog in your lap, a phone in your right hand and a cigarette in your left, then you are not allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you think “Matlock” was “The Andy Griffith Show,” then you are not allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you go through the “10 items or less” lane with, oh, I don’t know, um, 11 ITEMS OR MORE, you’re not allowed to vote.
Ÿ If you’re a smoker who uses the world as your personal ashtray, you’re not allowed to vote.
Ÿ And, finally, if you’ve ever passed along an email that started “Normally I don’t forward these kinds of emails but this is true ...” without checking to see if it is, indeed, true, then you’re not allowed to vote. If you’ve ever done that more than once, then you’re not allowed to have my email address.
Ÿ Of course, what all this means is that there is now just one person in America still qualified to vote. Me. Well, as soon as I pull my pants up to cover my backside. It’s not that I’m trying to be cool; I just forgot to wear my belt today.
Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent. Follow his work at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.
