Chris Johnson: Do you have a license to fly this thing?

December 23, 2012 

In a Ledger-Enquirer exclusive, we have obtained the transcript from a traffic stop last night in Columbus that could affect Christmas for the entire world.

Cop: License and insurance please.

Suspect: Is that what you want for Christmas?

Cop: Sir, do you have any idea why I pulled you over?

Suspect: Bored?

Cop: No, idiot. I clocked you going 1,325,632 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone. Got anything to say for yourself?

Suspect: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Cop: What did you call me? Never mind, I'm gonna let that go. Also, one of your headlights is out.

Suspect: Sorry, there's only one Rudolph with his nose so bright.

Cop: Well, I suggest you drop by the auto parts store and get another one. And what's with the beard? You ain't some sort of Taliban are you? Got any ID?

Suspect: Oh, no. I'm Santa Claus.

Cop: Sure you are. You're aware it's Dec. 22 right?

Suspect: I always do a practice run.

Cop: Sure, sure. Any aliases?

Suspect: Kris Kringle.

Cop: Any others?

Suspect: Lester Snodgrass Jr.

Cop: I also noticed you were looking down while driving this thing. You weren't texting and driving were you?

Suspect: I was checking my list -- twice, actually. I do it on smart phone now.

Cop: That ain't exactly legal, either, Mr. Kringle Snodgrass or whatever your name is. I don't suppose you'd mind if I took a look through the back of your ride here?

Suspect: Well, I'm really not supposed to.

Cop: Too late. Hmm, TVs, video games, Furbys. You got receipts for any of this?

Suspect: Um, no.

Cop: And what is this? Drugs?

Suspect: No, that's magic fairy dust to help me slip down chimneys and get into people's houses late at night.

Cop: Uh-huh. And this bulletproof vest?

Suspect: That's for when I creep into people's houses in the middle of the night down South. That click, click, click you hear when I land ain't reindeer. They're getting ready to fire.

Cop: Where are you from anyway?

Suspect: The North Pole.

Cop: Hmm, well I don't trust anybody from north of LaGrange. What are you anyway? Canadian? Icelandic? Some kind of commie with all this red you're wearing?

Suspect: I'm an elf.

Cop: A 300-pound elf? Yeah, I ain't buying that. Oh, and by the way, what's all this about seeing people when they're sleeping.

Suspect: It's true!

Cop: Um, dispatcher, this is 186. I think I just nabbed that peeping Tom we're on the lookout for.

-- Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent whose "Best of Chris Johnson" is now available for Kindle. Follow him at

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