Dear friends, family, lawyers, probation officers, collection agencies, etc.,
As you know, it has been an eventful year for the Winston-Pitt-Smitheys.
You likely saw the TV news report on our unfortunate misunderstanding with mall security over the "I Ding Dongs!" T-shirt my wife wore in support of striking bakery workers.
Though we of course believe Action 8 NewsCenter reporter Courtney "Corki" Ann Rand's report blew this out of proportion, we have reviewed the video and decided the shirt's slogan should not have included a Twinkie icon.
Still we as a family feel truly blessed, for this heartwarming season reminds us the past year has not all been like sifting through attic guano for a priceless brooch to hock for half its value to condescending reality-TV hosts.
Yesterday our supermarket through threat of termination made the bag boy dismiss the claim incurred by my trying to run him down in the parking lot for saying "Happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," though it turned out he could not speak English.
Als,o daughter Martha Jean Sue June, whom we affectionately call "Spotsy" since the rash of acne resulting from accidental contact with my AmbroJel®, got rave reviews for her teen detective novel "The Perplexing Peculiarities of Penelope Pollycrumbs and the Particulate Matter."
Our terrier is healing well from his scrotum replacement surgery, and should be back in stud service as soon as the vet takes the tiny stitches out.
He got another blessing when Aunt Bump skipped a page on her wall calendar and sent her signature red velvet fruitcake a
month early. It's his prized chew toy, and though it leaves a smear guests fear are streaks of blood from dragging a fresh corpse down the hall, his crimson drool puts us all in the holiday spirit. Roll Tide!
As for me, I am blessed to report I'm through collecting roadside trash for the 100 hours of community service I got for stealing safety vests and trash bags from my first 100 hours of community service, and if it ever stops raining, I hope to collect and cash in all the aluminum cans I hid in the storm sewers.
This special time of year, we hope you join us in cracking the plastic ring on a jug of Walmart Cheerwine and toasting not only 2012 but all our hopes and dreams for better luck in '13.
-- William A. "Dab" Winston-Pitt-Smithey, Jif, Spotsy and Puff.
Tim Chitwood, email@example.com,706-571-8508.