Chris Johnson: 2013 — The year in preview

December 30, 2012 

Now that we have managed to somehow survive (1) the Mayan apocalypse and (2) Aunt Gladys’ fruitcake, it’s time to focus on the year ahead. And what better way to focus on 2013 than with my annual Year in Preview?

That was a rhetorical question, by the way.

My annual Year in Preview has been evaluated by fact-checkers, journalists, scientists, witch doctors and four guys named Eddie and been found to be, well, waaaay off. But with each new year, there's new hope.

So, looking into my genuine cubic zirconia ball, here's what I foresee for the year ahead.

JANUARY

• Congressional Democrats launch an initiative to create Fiscal Cliff National Park before being told it's not a geographical feature.

• Facing fourth-and-12 from their own 25-yard line as they trail by five points with 12 seconds left and no timeouts in the Capital One Bowl, Georgia Bulldogs offensive coordinator Mike Bobo tries to catch the Nebraska defense off-guard by having quarterback Aaron Murray kneel the ball. The play kinda works as, indeed, the Nebraska defense is caught totally off-guard before celebrating the win.

• The United States steps up pressure on Syria's regime by shaking our finger at them really hard with a very angry glare.

FEBRUARY

• Fiscal cliff negotiations take another unexpected turn when 47 Republicans realize that they signed a pledge to Grover from "Sesame Street."

• Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" wins Song of the Year (Really, it's nominated; I wouldn't make that up.) at the Grammy's. Every other songwriter in the nation is put on suicide watch.

MARCH

• Four hundred people camp out in front of the Phenix City Piggly Wiggly upon hearing that they will have the very latest Apple product before anyone else in the country.

• Still reeling from their presidential election four months earlier, a panel of top Republicans gathers to analyze why they lost and conclude that the other guy had more votes.

• Phenix City police are dispatched to the Piggly Wiggly to quell a riot when four hundred people realize they've been waiting five days for a shipment of Granny Smith apples.

APRIL

• Decades of research into a cure for various types of cancer get a boost when a doctor in Iowa comes up with a potential way to cure cancer that could potentially be more profitable than treating cancer. He expresses hope that this means cures for all sorts of cancer could be perhaps only a decade or two away now that there will be financial incentive to find them.

• The Paranoid White People of America meet to assert their Second Amendment rights and purchase small-scale nuclear weapons, just as the founding fathers intended.

MAY

• All types of cancer are cured.

• Israelis and Palestinians celebrate reaching their milestone 1,500th MAJOR breakthrough in the Mideast peace process by trading small arms fire.

JUNE

• Climate change alarmist scientists report they may have underestimated the rate of melting of the Earth's polar ice caps and say the amount of melting has left just enough ice "to make a decent size frozen margarita."

• Buckingham Palace announces the Duchess of Cambridge has been rushed to the hospital.

JULY

• In his radio show broadcast from his underwater studio in Palm Beach, right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh reiterates that "Global warming is a scam forged by the drive-by media, liberal idiots and the intellectual elite!"

• Buckingham Palace goes into public relations crisis-management mode when Kate's baby is a little more off-white than expected and named Prince Kanye.

AUGUST

• Residents of Georgia's newly formed Valdosta Island are alarmed when an apparent whale washes up on the beach, only to discover it's actually Rush Limbaugh.

• Embarrassed by its recent slate of low-brow shows, TLC announces a new series aimed at those with higher taste, "Masterpiece Theater's Greatest Moments … with your host, Honey Boo Boo."

• Just before the start of the college football season, every team in the nation joins the Southeastern Conference. Tired of being made fun of for putting Missouri in the SEC Eastern Division during its most recent realignment, the SEC splits into two new Goober and Gomer Divisions.

SEPTEMBER

• NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces a major safety advance in pro football as actual contact and playing of games is outlawed. Teams are now allowed to merely think about football 16 times a year.

• The United States announces its withdrawal from Afghanistan is going a little slower than expected.

OCTOBER

• After several New York Jets report headaches, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell bans thinking about football.

• Afghanistan announces it's pregnant.

NOVEMBER

• With no more "Twilight" movies to make, desperate Hollywood executives seeking to keep "Twilight moms" coming to the theaters cut to the chase with the new film "Shirtless Teens Full of Angst, Part One."

• In an extraordinary abuse of power during a Thanksgiving tradition gone haywire, President Obama pardons every turkey in America.

DECEMBER

• Tragedy erupts at a nativity scene in Paris, Texas, when Joseph shoots one of the wise men who was reaching for his myrrh. Fortunately, a well-armed baby Jesus prevents further violence by shooting Joseph -- or as numerous Texans call it, "Best Nativity Scene Ever!"

• Somehow, the Big East still lands a team in one of college football's BCS bowls. In explaining its decision, the BCS Selection Committee say that non-existent Big East teams are just about as good as the conference's recent champions.

• Rather than fight the annual masses of false emails, President Obama decides to go ahead and ban Christmas from the White House and all of America and, while he's at it, goes ahead and admits that he's a Muslim from Kenya and is coming for your guns.

-- Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent whose "Best of Chris Johnson" is now available for Kindle. Follow him at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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