I am a strong proponent of global warming. Who needs polar ice caps or polar bears? The important thing is that I live closer to the beach, and melting ice caps means the beach will come to me.
Besides, I can't stand the cold. If I wanted to live on a cold planet, I'd move to Pluto. And, yes, astronomy geeks, I know Pluto got demoted from the solar system's planet club, but I'm an old school planet guy.
Unfortunately, while the Earth may be warming at a rate that's alarming to scientists, Al Gore and those polar bears from the Coke commercials, it just ain't fast enough for me. And I hope last weekend's blast of cold was it for this winter because I simply can't take it anymore.
I do have coping mechanisms for the cold -- including small heaters, electric blankets, coats and angrily snapping at random people for no apparent reason. Those help. But the main way I deal with the cold is with my incredible mind powers. I believe cold is just a state of mind, which makes me wonder what my refrigerator is thinking.
My mind powers are so amazing that I can convince even someone as smart as myself that it's not actually cold outside. While some folks focus on winterizing their homes, I instead focus on trickerizing my head.
For example, last weekend my stepson invited his girlfriend over for dinner. And, naturally, he wanted a legendary grillmaster to grill the ultimate steak -- or, as I like to call it, the usual. But the thermometer and garden flag blowing in the wind indicated that it was cold with a wind chill of approximately 328 degrees below zero.
"Ha!" I said.
"What now?" my wife replied.
"Nothing." I didn't bother to explain how I would beat the cold, mainly because my powers of trickerization don't work on her.
Fortunately, they do work on me. First, of course, I put my Jimmy Buffett playlist on. I would have played Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" because that's what they play in hell where I hear it's pretty hot, but I just wanted to be toasty, not fried. I also downloaded an app that allows you to play all sorts of sounds through your phone. I mixed some ocean waves and seabirds with the Buffett tunes and pretended I was hot. I even put my face over the grill to simulate sunburn.
But even my awesome powers of trickerization have their limits. I'm not sure how much longer I can convince myself that it's not really cold. So I need everyone's help to get this planet even warmer. Buy bigger trucks and SUVs! Forget clean coal! Drill, baby, drill! Have Congress cancel January, February and March!
Everyone who helps my cause will receive a trip to my beachside resort in Buena Vista, Ga. It overlooks a drainage ditch right now, but with a little imagination and a little help, it can be a beautiful resort.
And with enough margaritas, it could be paradise.
Chris Johnson is an independent correspondent. Connect with him at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.