Great, now blood's on the birdhouse.
That's what happens when you use a hammer and flathead screwdriver to punch a slit through an aluminum lid that once topped a whiskey canister, and without gloves try to affix it to a frame: You cut yourself on the jagged metal protruding from the puncture and bleed on the birdhouse.
Publishing that may be unwise, since Habitat for Humanity hopes to auction off the birdhouse Saturday to raise money for its construction fund. Who wants a bloody birdhouse?
So don't tell anyone, and while we're keeping secrets, don't tell Laura Ann Mann at Habitat for Humanity I haven't finished the birdhouse, because it was due like a week ago.
Maybe human blood on a birdhouse is an advantage, for the birds: If a cat, snake or other predator goes after their nest, it might smell the blood and back off thinking, "Holy $#@&! These birds KILLED somebody!"
A little blood fits, be
cause my birdhouse already incorporates a human skull. Not a real one, as far as you know, but I happened to have a fake one, and I incorporated it because I'm using only recycled material to build a folk-art birdhouse sculpture. Unfortunately the skull is not made of very sturdy material, so I'll be lucky to get this finished without cracking my skull.
Add that last comment to the list of things I so far should not have written. Irony is not to be mocked.
You may ask yourself, as I have: How did I wind up on deadline with an art project I persuaded Laura Ann Mann I could do?
Oh yeah, now I remember: I've been working. A lot. For some reason people here suddenly started shooting each other, and then the school board went nuts. And who could have seen that coming, here in Columbus? What do you mean "everyone"?
So anyway, in what Habitat calls "A Feathered Affair," 60 or so artfully crafted birdhouses will be up for silent auction from 9:30 to 11 a.m. Saturday in the 1000 block of Broadway during Market Days in Uptown Columbus. Also Home Depot will offer birdhouse kits for the kids to play with, and that's good, because you're probably not going to want them playing with mine.
But if mine turns out as planned (add that to the "should not have written" list), it will be a piece of yard art suitable for Halloween or just for frightening off intruders.
All you have to do is hang a sign on it that says, "Beware of The Birds."
Tim Chitwood, email@example.com, 706-571-8508.