Tim Chitwood: Open the school HQ doors, Hal

May 19, 2013 

As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so it is Monday Mail.

Bird is The Word

Today's opening is from Proverbs. And speaking of birds, Hal Kirven paid Habitat for Humanity $100 for the birdhouse sculpture I made for a fundraiser, and he since has been trying to give it away, as evidenced first by this email to Richard Bishop of Uptown Columbus, and second by his follow-up message to me:

Richard,

I have in my possession, a "sculpture" I would like to donate to the Broadway Median Art Project. Y'all are getting first choice. Don't make me go to the Columbus Museum where it will be locked away with the other "folk art." Somewhere near the corner of Broadway and 12th Street would make a perfect location. It's even pre-wired so it could double as a safety night-light for those still rambling at 3 a.m., and it also would be a good warning sign over the perils of drinking then driving. It could even be the future home of some sparrow family that may get displaced from the eaves of the BTW apartment complex when it is razed.

I can't go on like this, my conscience is bothering me. … The sculpture is Tim Chitwood's "bird house." I bought it in the interest of charity for a local project, but also to give Brother Chitwood's position on impotence, uh, importance in the community a boost as a marketable artist. Truth is, my wife says I can't keep it. … she thinks our granddaughter would probably be scared of it. … Please let me know when and where to deliver it. I will even offer a matching $100 toward the display stand. …

Sorry, Tim,

I tried to get you exposure for your talents, but you've been turned down by Uptown. In all fairness, Uptown did request a picture of your sculpture before rejecting the opportunity. Not sure what I'll have to do to get you a public viewing location, but my bride is still making me get rid of it so our Sophia does not get scared. Did not hear back from the Columbus Museum at all, so that's probably out. Maybe Habitat of Columbus might speak up and take it as a welcoming gift for the next home they erect to encourage wildlife to be present on that property. It does have the potential to being an enviro-friendly pest control device. Don't be discouraged; I'm sure I'll find a good home for it. In fact, if you have "suggestions" of where I can "stick" this, please let me know.

Dear Hal:

Is the school district still planning to build a $30 million fine arts academy? Try donating it to that. Or just leave it in the lobby at school district headquarters and see if it forces an evacuation while police search the building.

They probably need to search it anyway, and with probable cause they won't need a written opinion from Hatcher-Stubbs first.

Tim Chitwood, tchitwood@ledger-enquirer.com, 706-571-8508.

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