Monday Mail: Beware of arsonists, school board

June 9, 2013 

A time a for joy, a time for tears, a time we'll treasure through the years: It's Monday Mail.

The graduate

Our opening's from "Graduation Day" by the Beach Boys, so chosen because today we have reader responses to my annual parody of a high school graduation speech.

This year the column was a satire of an actual speech I gave to Glenwood's Class of 2013, at the Phenix City Amphitheater.

The speech was too upbeat for a column, so I twisted it around, and urged graduates to flee Columbus immediately, even if they had to steal a dragon boat, kayak or whitewater raft to get away.

This was a big hit with online readers like "ledger2980," who posted this rave review to that piece:

Sad Sad Sad.

Sounds like the rantings of a Jeff Foxworthy wannabe, except it's not funny, not entertaining and insults the intelligence. Trash journalism.

Dear ledger2980:

Actually that column was pretty similar to one published the Sunday before, so technically it's not trash. It's recycling.

Two thumbs up

Speaking of recycling, how about that new recycling center Columbus opened? That's something to be proud of, huh? That's what this reader says in response to that column:

Dear Tim,

Your Sunday column was depressing! You must have been having a bad hair day! Sure, I know Columbus has had its problems lately, with the car vandalism and the school board, but overall, think of all the positive things that have come our way in the last 50 years! The advantage of having Columbus State University improving the downtown area, the RiverCenter, whitewater, the new library, and even the opening of a new recycling center, of which I am very proud! How many other cities this size can boast of that?

Sure, we're a big city now and we're bound to have big city crime along with it. Let's hope that the reward money will help find the ones responsible for the vandalism and that the other problems will work themselves out.

Charlotte Kennedy.

Dear Charlotte:

The line "Columbus has had its problems lately, with the car vandalism and the school board" made that so worth reading. It's always something, isn't it? Either vandals are setting fire to your car or the school board's similarly terrorizing residents.

I can see your thinking I seriously was suggesting elementary school students board dragon boats and row for the Gulf of Mexico -- those kids have a lot of energy, especially if you withhold their medication -- but my proposing high school graduates commandeer a whitewater raft for that purpose clearly was a joke. They'd never get to Florida in a raft. The alligators would eat it.

Tim Chitwood, tchitwood@ledger-enquirer.com, 706-571-8508.

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