MONDAY MAIL: Madman across the border

July 28, 2013 

Another glimpse of the madman across the water, it's Monday Mail.

West side story

Today's special is the voice-mail, the first referencing an annual column that parodies a high school graduation speech. This year it happened to coincide with much of the hoopla here about whitewater rafting, not that the hoopla has subsided, so far.

This caller uses a Southern country persona:

Hey Chitwood,

This is Luther Ledbetter over here in Phenix City, stuck on the damn banks of the Chattahoochee for 65 years. I enjoyed your article about encouraging young'uns to jump over the fence and steal kayaks and rafts and row like hell for the coast. I wish I had done that 65 years ago….

I just want to remind you that nothing has been said about the new Dollar General that we got in Phenix City. All this floo-ha about raft races and dragon boats and stuff, and ain't nobody mentioned that y'all need to come over here in Phenix City to the new Dollar General.

I know y'all got some stuff over there in Columbus; you got all them new things going on downtown and Saturday morning stuff. You still need to mention the new Dollar General in Phenix City.

So that's where you need to send all these tourists coming in here, send them to Phenix City to the Dollar General.

Have a good 'un. Good day. This is Luther Ledbetter, we're out of here.

Dear Luther:

Dollar Generals are popping up everywhere now, aren't they? Next thing you know, they'll have one down in Seale, too.

I've never shopped in a Dollar General. What's stuff generally cost there?

Close to the home

Here's a voice-mail an editor forwarded to me because he thinks I'm crazy and thus would understand what this means:

Point of importance of number one, don't you wipe this voice-mail off until you have advised all of your editors and publishers of your daily newspapers and your newsrooms of television, radio throughout your state of Georgia: As of tomorrow a citizens freedom convention starts in our city of Washington, D.C., to derive the freedom of John Fitzgerald Kennedy....

Now we're going to advise you how this is going to happen, why and why, but you bear in mind that if your newspaper editors and publishers, and your TV news reporters, and your radio reporters are not in Washington to be the first to interview John F. Kennedy alive as the American president, 10 days after the date, Monday the 27th of May 2013, I would have to instruct President John F. Kennedy to arrest every member of the daily newspapers staffs of Georgia for treason….

Dear Caller:

Does the nurse know you're using her phone?

Tim Chitwood, tchitwood@ledger-enquirer.com, 706-571-8508.

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