Chris Johnson: This hearing is hereby called to odor

September 22, 2013 

Chair: As chairman of the House Committee for Distraction and Grandstanding, this hearing is hereby and thereto and perhaps even henceforth under way. The chair recognizes the nerdy Democrat from Minnesota.

Rep. Ned Nerdly: I would like to address the witnesses with some grandstanding, if I may.

Chair: Of course, that's why we're here.

Rep. Ned Nerdly: You all disgust me! It's time for you to put a stop to all this foolishness and show some concern for your fellow citizens! Cameraman, zoom in and show all the disdain and concern on my face! Oh, can you see it if I lower my glasses a little? OK, good, this just might be in my next campaign commercial.

Chair: The chair recognizes the wealthy Republican from Florida with the perfect hair … or helmet. I'm not sure.

Rep. Rich Guy: This is class warfare, pure and simple. It's obvious the witnesses don't believe in the American Dream. They resent the upper 1 percent who worked so hard to inherit their fortune. I had chores. I sweated once and even cleaned my room that day Consuela got sick and couldn't come to work.

Chair: Sounds terrible.

Rep. Rich Guy: Yeah, she died from the flu. No health insurance. Fortunately we hired some other Mexican chick the next day. Or maybe she was Guatemalan or Canadian -- one of them Spanish-speaking places anyway.

Chair: Oh, the chair recognizes the Democrat from New York, although barely because you look a little disheveled.

Rep. Oscar Mayer: Did somebody say something about Hispanic chicks? Because I'm totally down with the whole Latina thing. Hang on, let me just hit "send." There.

Chair: Does the chair need to remind you about the dress code for this committee?

Rep. Oscar Mayer: Oh yeah. Sorry. Pants. Gotcha. I'll remember them next time.

Chair: That'd be great. The chair recognizes the militant Republican from Texas and ducks for cover.

Rep. Colt Remington: I loves my guns. Anybody object?

Everybody: Nooooo!

Rep. Colt Remington: What this country needs is more people with guns -- responsible, sensible folks like Ted Nugent, Dick Cheney and Gucci Mane … guy makes great clothes.

Chair: Whatever you say. The chair recognizes the Democrat from Illinois, you know, the one of us who is not an actual millionaire.

Rep. Ben Downs: Um, wasn't I supposed to get a free cell phone for being on this panel?

Rep. Oscar Mayer: You can borrow mine.

Rep. Ben Downs: No thank you.

Chair: The chair now recognizes the rhetoric regurgitating dittohead from Georgia.

Rep. Austin Brown: Benghazi! Put God back in schools. Obamacare. Job creators. Welfare queens. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Lamestream media. And I'd like to add that I am extremely patriotic, and I also loves my guns.

Chair: OK, I'm not sure we are powerful enough to keep God in or out of schools, but I do admire your extreme patriotism. Lastly, I'd like to recognize the independent lady from Vermont.

Rep. Anne O. Tate: Can't we act like grown-ups? It's OK to disagree, but can we do it for the right reasons -- you know, for the good of the nation -- rather than for your political party? Can we have reasonable levels of taxation and spending that balance out and not place undue burdens on one group or present too many loopholes to another? Can we take care of business at home before we get into everybody else's business around the world? Do we have to demagogue and appeal to the lowest common denominators of Americans? Do we have to scare people with statements we know aren't true just to get their support on an issue? Americans in general are scared very easily and think in packs, usually not smart packs, so we shouldn't devour all this low-hanging fruit. Agreed?

Everybody else: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Chair: That was funny. We love comic relief here. OK, everybody come back next week. We'll have more cameras, so I'll expect more yelling, grimacing, eye-rolling, smirks and maybe even some tears.

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at

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