Chris Johnson: Who's doing hair for the zombie apocalypse?

October 27, 2013 

There have been many questions that have confounded TV viewers for centuries:

• Why did Ginger and the Howells have so many clothes for a three-hour boat tour?

• Why in the world did Darrin and Maj. Tony Nelson discourage Samantha and Jeannie from using their magical powers? I'd have had them working nonstop: "I'd like a cheeseburger!"

• And what the heck is a Honey Boo Boo? Is it when you fall out of a tree while robbing a beehive? Did Winnie the Pooh have a lot of Honey Boo Boos?

That's just a sampling of pressing questions, of course. But here's a bone I've had to pick with television for many years: Why do people stranded on islands, lost in space or dealing with apocalyptic situations look so darn good?

On the TV series "Lost," for instance, there was a guy named Sawyer who ran around shirtless half the time, making me feel bad for having a one-pack ab instead of six-pack abs. To add insult to injury, he found someone on this island to wax his upper body so that his chest, stomach and back were always smooth as a baby's bottom. After a few months on that island, he should have looked as hairy as a love child of Robin Williams and one of the "Duck Dynasty" guys. (Yes, I know that's not scientifically possible; I'm just trying to make a point!)

I've noticed some of the folks from AMC's hit show "The Walking Dead" are just a little too pretty -- especially since they are at least a year into this whole zombie apocalypse. Not the zombies mind you. Two minutes after dying and getting zombiefied, folks already have mussed hair and yellow teeth. One minute you're a perfectly normal human being then -- bam! -- you're Gary Busey.

What about the humans running all over the state of Georgia fleeing zombies? The blondes are still blonde. Everyone has perfectly white, straight teeth. And, again, the guys haven't turned into hairy Cousin It yet.

Perhaps the explanation is simply edited out of the show. After all, folks are tuning in to see flesh-eating zombies -- not to see blondie

Beth sitting at the hairdresser and gossiping as she waits to get her hair dyed while zombies drool on the glass.

"You know Bertha, right? The one who got her leg chewed off by that child zombie? Well, anyway, she came to church Sunday night wearing the ugliest shoe I've ever seen."

If there's anything I've learned from this TV zombie apocalypse, it's that when a real one occurs I'll still be able to get my teeth taken care of, be able to get buff working out and get my hair did -- and don't you dare say "Which one?"

How all these folks smell, though, I have no idea. Good thing TV technology hasn't come that far yet, because I've yet to see anyone order a run into zombie-plagued towns to retrieve a box of Right Guard or Irish Spring. I doubt these pretty folks smell a whole lot better than the zombies.

Of course, these zombie shows present so many mind-boggling questions. Still, they can't measure up to the most mind-boggling question in the history of television:

How in the world did those six Brady kids share a bathroom without killing each other?

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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