Another Auburn-Alabama Iron Bowl Saturday, another relaxing afternoon of not caring about football.
An indifference seldom shared, it seems: Everyone else is intent on the Big Game, even people who like me are working on game day. It's like everything else stops while people gather at TVs and crank up car radios to a volume that broadcasts the play-by-play for miles.
At the few occupied offices, workers follow the game. If their work takes them out on the street, they follow the game. If they've no TV or radio or wireless device that keeps score, they find a way to follow the game: They call a friend or stop at an appliance store where the TVs are on, to see who's ahead.
It is one big huge whopping whoop-deh-doo.
My Iron Bowl Saturday job involves trying to keep
track of any crime news, but even the criminals seem to stop for the Big Game. The public safety personnel track it, too.
A fire chief tells me the only fire Saturday is "up at Auburn," starting at 3:30 p.m. Russell County Sheriff Heath Taylor, a faithful Alabama fan, is already there at Jordan-Hare.
On Facebook friends are posting "Roll Tide" and "War Damn Eagle" and photos from the game, and trying to rile each other with bad jokes:
Question: What is the difference between an Auburn fan and a puppy?
Answer: Puppies eventually stop whining.
Question: How does the Alabama sister know when her brother's having sex with their mother?
Answer: His. ... Wait, I can't repeat that one.
Question: How does an Auburn co-ed know it's time to wash her clothes?
Answer: When she throws her socks against the wall and they stick.
Meanwhile I, an Auburn graduate, sit at my desk and practice my impersonation of Jerry Seinfeld saying "That's a shame," which on his 1990s sitcom was his sarcastic response to any misfortune that befell another.
It's excellent football commentary -- for me:
The Auburn quarterback just got sacked? That's a shame.
Alabama just took the lead? That's a shame.
I forget when I stopped caring. Possibly back when football made me so angry I broke things.
Well, that's all in the past now, so I relax and let other people cheer, curse, rant and swear they just won't be able to face certain coworkers Monday if the opposing team wins.
I hear their anxiety, and I think: That's a shame.
Tim Chitwood, firstname.lastname@example.org, 706-571-8508.