Today we feature our parody family holiday newsletter:
The year 2013 was an exciting one for the Hamrods, and not just because of the hostage situation attorneys advised us not to comment on until the plea bargain. Suffice to say we are blessed our home insurance covered the damage and no one else was hit by my stray gunfire.
As the man of the family aside from my third wife's stepson who's a year older, I am honored to say my loving spouse again is with child, and makes eye contact as she swears the child is mine, so I needn't collect samples for genetic testing soon as she squirts that puppy out.
Speaking of pups, our mutt Baxter continues to thrive, which unfortunately bloated our pet food budget once he finished off the neighborhood cats.
We hope for better times in 2014, as a neighbor pledges to start a "trap, neuter and release" feral cat colony, though with Baxter's appetite, we'd rather she hold off on the "neuter" part. (LOL!)
Mr. Nekhicky next door finally agreed to pay for the damage caused by his pecan tree splitting in half when he built a deer stand on the weak side, which fell onto
our 8-foot chain-link privacy fence.
For his generosity we credit the holiday spirit, and Baxter, who climbed the fallen trunk into Mr. Nekhicky's yard and tried to force his way through the pet door Mr. Neckhicky's cats used to use.
My wife's other five children are well, including the two she swears are mine besides the squirrel still in her stewpot. Our oldest Darcy got a role in the Bourgeois Academy production of "Pride and Prejudice," and she was born to play it, having worked as a valet herself cleaning up after Baxter.
Dick got accepted to Auburn, where he at least should finish his freshman year, under the terms of his probation.
Linda Ray calls occasionally to ask for money or blame us for her multiple-personality disorder. In hindsight we should have paid for her therapy, but we feared being left with nothing but the personality she usually has, and we really like some of the others -- particularly Reba the Housekeeper, who last year had the kitchen spotless just 30 minutes after Thanksgiving dinner.
Daughter Courtney had the honor of designing the program for the Coolidge Community Junior College play "Death of a Salesman," and we maintain her bold-typing the title "Deaf Salesman" was a mistake anyone could make, and no reason to deny her an associate's degree.
We are elated to say our youngest son Johnson is so huge a movie star he goes only by his first name in Internet-only short films such as "Big Johnson," "The Johnson Flood" and "Lynn Done Johnson."
As for me, aside from working hard every day gutting chickens and slinging entrails into the wiener bin, I further have pursued my education. Last week I graduated from DUI school, and my lawyer says I'll obtain another degree when my charges are upgraded from second degree to first.
So we hope that you, too, cherish your blessings, and this Christmas think first of the less fortunate.
To that end you'll find enclosed is a stamped, self-addressed envelope to "Save the Children." Donations will go to whichever child needs it most, if my baby's mama don't blow it on another reindeer costume for Baxter.
May this find you in Good Spirits or another quality liquor store,
Hank, Sue, Darcy, Dick, Courtney, Johnson, Junior, and whoever the fetus turns out to be.
Tim Chitwood, email@example.com, 706-571-8508.