Chris Johnson: Historic figures debate the War on Christmas

December 22, 2013 

Welcome to CNN's "Crossfire" with today's special guest hosts, Jesus Christ and Santa Claus.

Jesus: On the left, I'm Jesus Christ.

Santa: And on the right, I'm Santa Claus. Tonight, we're discussing the War on Christmas -- a war that has gotten so out of hand that I'm surprised the lamestream, drive-by media even allowed me to be on your television tonight.

Jesus: Welcome to my world, Santa. There's been a war on my words for almost 2,000 years -- though never more than the last couple of decades. But I'm not sure I've noticed any War on Christmas. Christmas must have some huge oil reserves for America to get involved in such a war. Could it be I simply haven't heard about it because radios have been blaring Christmas music since before Thanksgiving? Or maybe I can't see it for the gazillion Christmas lights on every street.

Santa: You're just downplaying it because you've got the pope on your side now -- talking like you, acting like you, caring about the poor and sick and junk like that.

Jesus: You don't care about the poor?

Santa: Well, they don't get gifts from me quite like the rich folks do. But it's only fair. The poor rarely even leave me milk and cookies. I'm lucky to get a can of vienna sausages at poor people's houses.

Jesus: Well, Christmas isn't about gifts or milk and cookies or even vienna sausages. Did you miss that part in the Bible where I preached unconditional love? Christmas is about peace and love, pure and simple.

Santa: Peace and love? Don't give me that 1969 hippie baloney! Do you have any idea how many copies of "Call of Duty" video games I'll be delivering this year? Peace and love does not sell in this day and age. Did you see the crowds on Black Friday? Geez! Um, sorry.

Jesus: You're contributing to the problem by pushing all this stuff around the globe.

Santa: What do you have against stuff? Stuff is awesome! Did you know that Christmas stuff keeps more than 1,200 elves employed at

the North Pole?

Jesus: Yeah, but you cut their hours so you wouldn't have to help fund their health insurance.

Santa: That's Obamacare for you. Besides, elfism is a pre-existing condition.

Jesus: The mandate for employers doesn't even kick in until next year. It's just an excuse for you to be greedy.

Santa: Hey, take that back! I don't need an excuse to be greedy! Anyway, unlike you, folks still love me. I'm everywhere! They even put my picture up in public schools. They can't even pray to you in public schools.

Jesus: Really? After Miss Jenkins' algebra test Friday test, I beg to differ. I thought they'd never shut up.

Santa: So you answered their prayers.

Jesus: Yes. X equals 47. But back to the so-called War on Christmas. If there is such a War on Christmas, how is it you keep living so large?

Santa: Is that a crack about my weight? Hey, just 'cause you're skinny …

Jesus: Well, gluttony is a sin.

Santa: So is buying Oreos with food stamps, but it happens.

Jesus: Agreed! Hey, an actual agreement on "Crossfire!" Amazing! Let's end on that note. From everyone here at "Crossfire," Happy Holidays!

Santa: You mean Merry Christmas!

Jesus: You know that semantic argument is a red herring, right?

Santa: I don't know. Do they taste like vienna sausages?

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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