Chris Johnson: 2014: The annual year in preview

December 28, 2013 

I know we've still got three days left in 2013, but this is no time to reflect on the year that was. Besides, it's just depressing … especially if you tried to design an online insurance marketplace, are on the Alabama field goal team or are in any way related to Miley Cyrus.

So, without further ado -- there's an ado shortage and I blame Obama -- here's my look at the year ahead, guaranteed to be at least 12.4 percent accurate or my name's not Steve Swigglebottom.


• The Obamacare website gets a huge lift when 19-year-old computer programmer Timmy Tidewater is given complete control over the site. Ten days later, 20 million sign up so they can play the site's new game, Grand Theft Health Care of Duty in which you steal the car of a rich insurance executive, kidnap pharmaceutical reps and blow up insurance plans that are too costly.

• NBA star and world peace advocate Dennis Rodman is executed in North Korea after celebrating a monster dunk over Kim Jong Un in a game of "NBA 2K12" on the new Xbox One that Kim Jong Un got for Christmas.


• In the first Super Bowl played outdoors in a cold climate, new Sea-hawks defensive lineman Frosty the Snowman has four sacks and is named the game's MVP in the Seahawks' 20-17 win over the Broncos, whose quarterback Peyton Manning has an off game after losing four fingers on his throwing hand to frostbite.

• George Zimmerman shoots 346 people at Sanford, Florida's Salute to Black History Parade. Zimmerman claims it was justified under Florida's Stand Your Ground law because the drummers in the marching band scared him.


• Israel launches an air attack on Iran after Hassan Rouhani microwaves a bag of Orville Redenbacher's Super-Buttery Movie Style Popcorn, which Israel's Benjamin Netanyahu calls a clear sign of Iran's true nuclear ambitions.

• The Atlanta Braves retract their decision to move to Cobb County when they discover an existing baseball stadium less than 20 years old sitting right across from the site of the old Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. "It already has seats, a great-draining field, dugouts, a giant scoreboard and a Waffle House!" exclaims an excited and relieved Braves President John Schuerholz.


• During a total solar eclipse, Sarah Palin blames President Obama for the outage and says this is why solar power is not reliable.

• Pope Francis delivers his annual Easter message, quoting Jesus' words directly from the Gospels. Rush Limbaugh pounces on the remarks as "Marxist and liberal propaganda."


• During a House committee hearing, several congressmen make news when they yell at various men in suits about their egregious actions. Two days later, the congressmen are informed what the hearing is about.

• Paleontologists in Utah unearth the bones of what they say is a new species of dinosaur, much like the T-rex but with a mouthful of molars and an annoying smile. They name it Barneysaurus.


• As a slew of Supreme Court decisions are announced, justices rule that gay marriage is legal everywhere, Georgia must expand Medicaid coverage, extra fees on home solar panels are unconstitutional, that the blank tile no longer beats an "A" when drawing to see who goes first in Scrabble, and macaroni and cheese is officially not a vegetable.

• President Obama names Jessica Alba his new Chief of Staff.


• The Atlanta Braves hire famed Mandela Memorial Service sign language master Thamsanqa Jantjie as their new third base coach.

• First Lady Michelle Obama makes the president switch seats with her after he takes a selfie with his new Chief of Staff during a funeral service for daughter Malia's pet goldfish.


• During a critical game against the Philadelphia Phillies, the Atlanta Braves lose in the final inning when, after getting the signs from third base coach Jantjie, shortstop Andrelton Simmons bunts the ball back to the pitcher with two outs, runs toward third base and makes a ham sandwich.

• At the MTV VMAs, Miley Cyrus shocks the TV audience when she comes out wearing a full-length gown and sings an entire song while keeping her tongue in her mouth. Susan Boyle, however, steals the show by twerking half-naked during a performance with former country artist-turned-rapper Merle Haggard.


• In the first package delivery by Amazon's new drones, Bertha Taylor of Coon Valley, Ark., is killed after her husband Earl orders a 16-pound bowling ball. As compensation, Earl receives a credit for 10 percent off his next order.

• Stung by criticism of Wal-Mart's low wages, the Walton family worth more than $150 billion launches a charity program to help Wal-Mart workers pay for heat during the upcoming winter. Jim Walton gets the drive kicked off amid much fanfare with a $20 donation.


• In college football, the Auburn Tigers stun LSU 21-19 on a last-second field goal that originally goes wide left but is picked up by a freak tornado and sent back over the field and then through the uprights for the game-winner.

• Jim Walton sues the Wal-Mart Warm-up program, saying that his donation was $15, not $20, and that he was not given his $5 in change.

• "They" release their annual statement that it's gonna be a cold winter and that it will snow in Georgia this year.


• Two days before the gubernatorial election, Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal is re-elected in a landslide. Deal immediately hand-picks a committee of wealthy and well-connected supporters to investigate election irregularities, which to his surprise finds a few irregularities.

• The Auburn Tigers stun Alabama in the Iron Bowl again as Nick Marshall's desperation hail mary bounces off an out-of-control Amazon delivery drone, ricochets off the helmet of a Tide linebacker, is picked up by a buzzard and dropped into the arms of receiver Melvin Ray for a touchdown to win 24-23.

• In a related story, CBS football announcer Verne Lundquist is admitted to the hospital in Tuscaloosa with shortness of breath. Doctors suggest not wearing dress shirts that are two sizes too small in the neck.

• Santa sits down for an exclusive interview with "60 Minutes" and admits that, indeed, he is black. Fox News immediately switches sides in the "War on Christmas."


• Gov. Deal fires the chairman of the Commission to Find Gov. Deal Did Nothing Illegal or Unethical and replaces him with a good friend who finds the governor did nothing illegal or unethical.

• Auburn defeats Georgia 32-31 in the SEC Championship after being erroneously awarded eight points for each touchdown and Georgia's entire defense suffers a concussion on the game's final play.

• Christmas comes to an abrupt halt when new NRA President George Zimmerman shoots Santa Claus. "A black man sneaks into my house demanding milk and cookies … what was I supposed to do? I was scared."

• At midnight on Dec. 31, U.S. and British forces officially withdraw from Afghanistan. At 12:01 a.m., Jan. 1, 2015, the Taliban announces it has defeated Afghan forces and regained control of the country.

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