Chris Johnson: Got a hankering for some swimmers #Starving

January 19, 2014 

One of the signs you're getting old is when you just don't get the excitement over some new fad like Twitter. Another sign you're getting old is when you deem something like Twitter a new fad.

I guess I'm getting old.

Twitter has done a wonderful job of getting athletes and business leaders in trouble while reducing pitiful attention spans even further and annihilating grammar, spelling and the English language in general.

I look a little suspiciously at any communication medium that is favored by the president, CEOs, Lindsay Lohan, mayors, Honey Boo Boo and Aunt Gladyses alike. And if that weren't bad enough, now sharks are tweeting.

In case you missed it, Australian researchers have tagged 338 sharks with transmitters that send Tweets when they are a half-mile from a beach. Australia leads the world in shark attack deaths with six over the last two years. Granted, we've had more people die of the flu here in Georgia in recent months, but shark attacks get way more attention.

If I were heading to an Aussie beach, I'd appreciate a Tweet from a shark. "Hey, right behind you! #SwimFast." In which case I could tweet back, "@HungryShark I am full of fat and cholesterol. I suggest you try that fit lady on the float. #EatHealthy"

So, sharks are on board with Twitter now, but what about other animals? I wonder what other animals would be Tweeting and hashtagging. Hmm ...

My wife's cat: My litter box needs changing. 9 Lives is for losers. I hate dogs, other cats and people. Keep it down when you get home. #Napping

Dog: MY OWNER'S HOME! #GreatestDayEver

Deer: To my deer friends, do not stand in the road. Pickups hurt. #JustGotTacoma'd (I actually know this deer, by the way -- all too well.)

Fox: What #what

Parrot: RT10,000 ants in this colony and for the second straight day, I'm stuck behind Earl in the tunnel. SMH. #GasX

Cow:If scientist Robert Lanza is right about this biocentrism thing, the toilet bowl may be just the beginning. #LifeAfterDeath #RIPJimmyTheGoldfish

Pigeon: Two out of three ain't bad. Nailed a banker and postman today. Just missed cyclist. #BombsAway

Mosquito: Life sucks.

Leech:Chillin with some George Jones tunes in the tree.

Dolphins: Does anyone else find the Miami NFL team's nickname and logo offensive? #NameChange

Squirrel: Nutty sayings!"Indecision may or may not be my problem." #JimmyBuffettQuotes

Turtle: In case I'm late, know I've been stuck behind a snail for several inches now. #ShareTheRoad

Snail: Turtle just blew by me like a maniac. #DukesofHazzard

Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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