Chris Johnson: The most glamorous night of the year

March 9, 2014 

Welcome, one and all, to UHF channel 55's exclusive coverage of the Pouches, the annual ceremony celebrating the brightest stars in all of Possum Holler. This is Chris Johnson reporting live from the green shag carpet we removed from Crazy Jimmy's trailer last week. It's almost dried out from that toilet explosion.

As you can see, we have literally dozens of Possum Hollerans lined up outside the Booger Bottom Country Club to get a better look at some of the most famous folks this side of Beaver Creek. Earl, put that rifle down!

"I'm just using the scope to try to get a better look at Eileen from the Huddle House when she walks by."

Well, OK. Eileen Watkins, as y'all know, is up for Best Breakfast Server this year, her fifth nomination. From what I hear, she's up for dang near anything. Here she comes now. Eileen, who are you wearing tonight?

"This is Fluffy."

Is that a French designer?

"No it's -- well it was my English angora rabbit, but it makes a nice scarf. The t-shirt, blue-jean mini-skirt and boots all came from that road trip Sally Mae and I took to Target. As for drawers, I ain't wearin' none, honey."

BLAM!

Earl!

"Sorry, got a little too excited."

Ahh, and here comes Lester Lumpkin, who will be honored tonight with the Pouches' Lifetime Achievement Award. Lester, can you tell us how it feels to be recognized by your fellow Possum Hollerans?

"They've been seeing me around here for 80 years now; it shouldn't be that hard to recognize me."

Well, I mean how does it feel to be honored with this Lifetime Achievement Award?

"Oh, I'm all tingly inside. I guess those 65 years of high school paid off. You know, I dang near made salutatorian at last year's graduation from Possum Holler High."

Of course, there were only two people in last year's graduating class. What's next for you?

"College. I'm thinking Princeton."

Oh, here's Irma Jenkins, a four-time winner of Best Actress in a Supporting Role. And who, well, what are you wearing tonight?

"It's my McDonald's uniform from

my third job. I've been supportin' Billy Joe ever since he got laid off from the hog farm two years ago."

Well, I get the supporting part, but what about the acting?

"I act like I ain't gonna kill him next time he comes home one more time drunk off my hard-earned money."

Hmm, you should talk to Earl. Now I see Eddie Kirkland coming down the carpet. So, Eddie, what have you been up to since the last awards?

"Well, I founded a geothermal energy company over at Buzzard Springs and used our proceeds to fund literacy training in my beautiful hometown of Possum Holler. Oh, and I invested in a pharmaceutical company that found a cure for cancer. As soon as it gets more profitable to cure diseases than it is to treat them, they're going to mass-market it."

Wow! You must be up for Possum Holleran of the Year or something?

"Nah, I just had an extra ticket and came for the show."

Oh, well in that case, sit across from Eileen Watkins. Trust me.

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.

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