Chris Johnson: With the 16th pick, the Hawks select Abraham Lincoln

May 11, 2014 

Did you know that there are scientists out there involved in the business of "de-extinction"? And, no, that's not the people who come up with powerful new deodorants. That's "de-stinktion" and is completely different but just as important.

De-extinction is pretty much what the movie "Jurassic Park" was all about -- well, that and the question of whether a mosquito could talk, and, if it did, would it have a Southern drawl. To the latter, I say no because nothing Southern could suck that much. A talking mosquito clearly would have a Jersey accent.

In 2003, scientists revived an extinct species, the bucardo, using DNA that was frozen before it went extinct. Likewise, I've saved the DNA of Bacardi just in case rum ever goes extinct.

The bucardo is an extinct Spanish mountain goat and the DNA-resurrected version that was carried by a regular goat survived only a few minutes after being born, but it was hailed as a step in the right direction by many -- except Jeff Goldblum who kept pounding his fist on a table somewhere.

Scientists have also talked about resurrecting the wooly mammoth, and mad scientists have talked about resurrecting the wooly mammoth and teaching it to talk like Ray Romano.

I don't think they're going far enough, though. I think we need to address the future extinction of humans -- be it from asteroid collision, global warming or North Korea. Perhaps we need to save a little human DNA in a box somewhere in case any intelligent life ever discovers Earth, which so far hasn't happened but there's always hope.

I also think we need to consider resurrecting some long-gone humans. If your definition of the word "extinct" means "ain't here no more" as it does for me, that could apply to all sorts of things like wooly mammoths, dinosaurs, Leonardo da Vinci and Abraham Lincoln.

There's got to be some of Abe's DNA around here somewhere, maybe in between some of the sofa cushions at the White House (at least his remote control). The problem is that there's no guarantee a de-extincted Abe will turn out like the last one. And, as a favor to Abe, I'd suggest

not resurrecting Mary Todd. I've seen the photos. Let's cut the new Abe some slack.

When the new Abe sees how politically polarized Americans are and how politicians care more about getting re-elected or helping their party grow more powerful rather than they do about making America better, ol' Abe might not be interested in politics.

Perhaps he'll go in a completely different direction. He was a fairly tall fellow -- about 6-foot-4 and closer to 7 feet with the stovepipe hat -- so perhaps he would be into basketball. And the Atlanta Hawks could certainly use another good 7-footer down low.

Only problem is that he might be too honest to flop, which is a huge part of the NBA game these days. Still, it'd all be worth it to see Lebron James rejected by Abe Lincoln while driving for a dunk.

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at or on Twitter @kudzukid88.

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