Chris Johnson: A confession about my sexual orientation

May 18, 2014 

Like many people, I've been inspired by the likes of the NFL's Michael Sam and the NBA's Jason Collins for the courage they have shown to come out publicly as gay athletes.

And that means that it's time for me to follow their courageous lead and come out as the nation's first openly heterosexual newspaper columnist.

Quite frankly, I've known I was heterosexual for a long time now -- at least since I saw Jessica Lange in 1976's "King Kong" and began writing her love letters, or at least since 1977 when she began sending me restraining orders.

Yet, I spent much of my younger days hiding my heterosexuality. Not by choice, mind you, because Jessica Lange was far from the only female who had no interest in my sexuality. Many females I knew would have preferred that I either hide and suppress my heterosexuality or at least move far, far away.

Having grown up in a small town, I admit that I felt a lot of pressure to keep my heterosexuality a secret. I'd venture to say that at least 90 percent of the people from my hometown are homo sapiens. As for the other 10 percent, the jury's still out.

There were friends back home in my younger days who quietly suspected I might be heterosexual. Yet, they never took the leap of outing me in public because they never seemed to have that smoking gun evidence as they never could seem to catch me with a girl. I enlisted the help of many girls who actively cooperated in keeping my secret by not going out with me. I thank you all.

Of course, my heterosexuality has not been a complete secret in my adult years, either. My wife has suspected it for several months now. And anyone who has seen my closet and my collection of what could loosely be deemed shoes would point and declare me a blatant, flaming heterosexual.

I have gone along with those who assumed I was not heterosexual by pretending to enjoy a nice hot bubble bath, smooth jazz music and fruity alcoholic drinks with little umbrellas in them. In fact, I've played to those stereotypes so much that I just might continue to do so even though I have come out as a heterosexual.

But no longer will I hide. I'm too old to live a lie. I'm heterosexual and proud! I'm going to burp, scratch, yell at the TV during Georgia Bulldogs games, sing along with Hank Jr. and shoot stuff just to watch it die. Just yesterday, I went out into the country and gunned down a watermelon. Even ate some of it right there on the spot as it lay dying.

Some of you may think you can change me, but that's not your business. Do not even try to drag me to one of those classes where you hope to get me to deny my heterosexuality because, quite frankly, I find men disgusting and always will. Sorry if that offends you. Some of my best friends are men, but, sorry, they're still disgusting creatures.

By having come out publicly as a heterosexual newspaper columnist, my hope is that more people will not be afraid to come out now and express their heterosexuality.

Or, better yet, that someday it won't matter whose team you play for.

-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting or on Twitter @kudzukid88.

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