Giving football the finger

Friday is the final Columbus Catfish home game, and, given the lack of support we've showered upon the 2007 South Atlantic League Champions, they'll probably reward us with a much deserved fireworks show made from leftover July 4 sparklers from the Bang Bang Lady. Still, I like going to the games to hear the crack of the bat, the bellow of the umpire and the choice of seating. Seriously, let's try to pack out Golden Park for the last game, OK? It starts at 7 p.m., and tickets can be had for $5.

Saturday you can turn your sports attention to where it belongs — on football. A Columbus-based gamemaker has turned the old game of paper football into a real game, complete with a regulation field and a football that slides with the help of a ball bearing. There will be a competition at 8 a.m. Saturday at Cornerstone Church of God, 7701 Lloyd Road. Register today, for $20, and get a copy of the game to keep. Details: www.fingerfootball.com.

And, completing this sports-themed set of Labor Day weekend picks, Saturday night's a great night to head to the East Alabama Motor Speedway, west of Phenix City on U.S. 80. It's a dirt track, and the cars tend to slide around turns more than steer around them. But the smell of the racing fuel, the roar of the engines and the film of red clay will give you a lifetime of memories. Oh, and there's a demolition derby, in addition to the races. Gates open at 5 and racing starts at 8. Things wrap up with a big fireworks show. Tickets are $17 for adults, $3 for ages 6-12, and free for anyone younger. Details: www.eamsdirt.com.

—Brad Barnes

Seeking eligible stormtrooper

Don't worry — there's an alternative plan for anyone who didn't have time to snag a cute Hermione costume in time for Friday's sexy schoolgirl contest.

Drive to Atlanta for sci-fi/gaming extravaganza Dragon*Con. There, ladies, you can dress up as a Wookiee and not worry about shaving your legs for four days.

The convention runs Friday through Monday at the Hyatt Regency Atlanta, Atlanta Marriott Marquis, the Sheraton Atlanta Hotel and the Atlanta Hilton in downtown Atlanta. It's $90 for all four days, and individual day prices range from $25 to $50.

Saturday, stop by Franklin Delano Roosevelt's Little White House Historic Site in Warm Springs. The normally empty pools will be filled with warm mineral spring water.

Yeah, communal bathing scares me, too — but let's just say you probably won't catch anything you weren't already subjected to during the recent foam party.

Hours are 10 a.m.-5:30 p.m. There will be four two-hour swim sessions for people ages 6 and older. Reservations are highly recommended. It's $15, $10 for children ages 6-17. 706-655-5870.

Finally, end your long weekend Monday night by watching the season premiere of "Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., The CW) and wishing your high school adventures were cool enough to be chronicled by an anonymous blogger.

— Sonya Sorich

Naughty and nice

A three-day weekend is almost upon us and you're scrounging for something to do at the last minute. Typical. I'll try to give you some options that allow you to explore both the mundane and deplorable, both for a good price.

You can hit the Altrusa International Annual Book Sale over any day this weekend. It's 6-9 p.m. Friday, 10-8 p.m. Saturday, 1-6 p.m. Sunday and 10-6 p.m. Monday. If you find a copy of "Catcher in the Rye," buy it. You don't want that type of information getting into the wrong hands.

Before, or conceivably after, you've perused the dusty shelves of books from long ago, find a seat Friday on perverts row at Aqua Nightclub's sexy schoolgirl contest. You can find the place behind the Columbus Public Library on Macon Road. The winner of the contest gets $300. You get some great memories, and if you're smart, some good pictures as well.

On Monday, actually reflect on what Labor Day is. I mean, really, why do we have this holiday? Because some labor union cried back in the 1800s about having a day off for the working man? Yeah, this Labor Day act like a current union member and sit around your house with a bourbon in your hand while watching a TV marathon of "Gimme a Break!"

— Alan Riquelmy