This is not the night to blind innocent bystanders with your eyelashes.
Nor is New Year’s Eve an opportunity to leave a shimmer trail that rivals Hansel and Gretel’s breadcrumbs. So please, consider just one desperate request in your partying tonight:
Lay off the body glitter.
The start of a new calendar year almost always resurrects an urge to sparkle.
Foil tiaras and plastic fedoras seem to not offer enough opportunities for public humiliation. So you turn to the shimmering blue eyeshadow, which is likely named something like “Dazzling Diva” or “Vivacious Vamp.”
The urge alone is not problematic.
But unfortunately, Dazzling Diva is never “just” eyeshadow.
You admire your eyelids, and then succumb to an urge to apply the gunk — possibly enough to light a rural city — to your cheeks.
The healthy, yet alien-inspired, glow makes you expand your body glitter horizons. Soon, your chest, arms and legs are slathered in sparkle.
Instinct says it might be too much.
But you promptly shut down those fears: “Come on, it’ll be dark. Who’s going to notice?”
The answer: anyone you touch.
With every embrace — every close conversation — your friends will become glittery by association.
The next morning, they’ll discover traces of Dazzling Diva on their dresses. Perhaps their parents will laugh at the leftover diamond bits in their ears.
You, meanwhile, will be at home — using every facial cleanser imaginable to erase a stubborn look that is anything but work appropriate.
And wishing you had just said no.