This just in: "Mom jeans," those disasters in denim with the 9-inch zippers and waistlines that threaten to crawl all the way up to your armpits, are making a comeback.
Precious Lord, take me now.
Lampooned in a classic "Saturday Night Live" skit circulated on the Internet for years, Mom jeans are, frankly, hideous. No one looks good in them, with their strange and cruel propensity to broaden the hips, flatten the butt and taper in a ghastly fashion at the ankle. Extreme Mom jeans even come in odious pale blue washes and feature an elastic waist that tells the world: "Why, as a matter of fact, my idea of a good time IS dinner at The Cracker Barrel at 4 p.m. followed by a `Murder, She Wrote' marathon on TNT."
The phrase "Mom jeans" is so universally understood it has even made its way into Urban Dictionary, which notes they are "usually accompanied by a sexy cardigan boasting birds or wildlife and accented by a quilted purse."
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Well, those quilted purses are light and easy to carry, but if you want to, as SNL said so perfectly, "let the world know you're not a woman; you're a MOM!" just wear your Mom jeans with one of those cardigans with a cardinal straddling each breast and bird's nests for pockets. Yes, the look is complete, the message is clear: You have officially stopped trying.
So whom do we blame for the return of these high-rise horrors? Our pop culture icons, of course. Mom jeans are showing up on Jessica Simpson, Mischa ("Feed me!") Barton, Fergie, Scarlett Johansson and even Jennifer Lopez, who, I'm sure, is terribly upset that she can't find any trimmed in dead baby seal fur.
Of course, there are some women who are thrilled to have Mom jeans back on the scene after years of too many low-rise jeans that celebrate, rather than rein in, the aptly named "muffin top," that unfortunate belly fat that puffs out above the low-rise waistline.
The truth is there are plenty of women and teens who have no business wearing the super-low rise jeans (I'm thinking, in particular, about anyone who shows her thong above the low-rise waistline or who has allowed all of us to see the top two-thirds of an American Eagle flapping above her butt cheeks) but no one, I repeat, no one, looks good in Mom jeans.
Even sexpot Simpson, photographed in her Mom jeans recently, looked as if she needed to be hauling webbed chairs and Capri Suns out to the soccer fields instead of nibbling on hottie John Mayer's earlobe like a piece of cheese.
Mom jeans? Think I'll pass.