Somehow, “get a room” has been replaced by “get a chat room.”
That’s because the public display of affection — once confined to a drunk couple in the corner of a smoky bar — is now a gag-inducing fixture in the digital world.
And I’m not LOLing.
It began simply — the occasional MySpace page decorated with an “I love my husband” emblem.
Then, things got worse. I
perused my friends’ daily Facebook status updates only to learn that so-and-so can’t wait to see her boyfriend and soand-so No. 2 is looking forward to dinner with his wonderful girlfriend. The epidemic is grotesque enough to rival the original PDA.
For starters, digital PDAs involve words — and it’s no coincidence the guy kissing his girlfriend in the middle of the dance floor is about as graceful with his poetry as he is with his curious hands.
So instead of amorous Twitter updates professing sweet nothings, you get “Their’s nobody as grate as my wife.”
Not to mention a bitter superlative battle between the best boyfriend ever, the best boyfriend in the world and, of course, the best boyfriend in the universe.
Digital PDAs also suggest that to really love someone, you have to voice your appreciation not only to your significant other, but to the entire world.
The compliments once accepted quietly behind closed doors now are only valid if expressed in billboard-style form. For five days.
The most dangerous thing about the digital PDA, however, is that it reinforces the belief that a successful relationship means thinking about your partner 24-7.
Monday morning, you stare at your friend’s most recent Facebook update, wondering if you’re flawed because you’re not already looking forward to another amazing weekend with your honey.
There’s nothing wrong with giving an occasional public shout-out to a promotion, anniversary or random act of kindness.
Still, one of the greatest parts of having a relationship is sharing moments — good and bad — that are distinctly your own.
Even the couple exchanging a public kiss leaves some element of mystery.
But you, digital PDA-ers, are choosing your words just carefully enough to present a hand-crafted version of your relationship to outsiders.
So when we meet you in person, we expect you to conform to that image.
Slip up, and you won’t just look human — you’ll look like a sham.
If you’re among the guilty ones, I suggest taking a break from reminding the world of your husband’s awesomeness.
Go retro and make out in a corner.
It’s a whole lot easier than typing.