If you’re a golden retriever who loves to travel, you’ve no doubt heard about Pet Airways, the new airline that caters to pets — “A Pet Airline where pets fly in the main cabin, NOT in cargo!” its Web site yells at you.
Of course, if you’re a golden retriever, you’re probably more likely to be peeing on my column than reading it, so I’ll speak to the human pet owners out there — assuming they’re not peeing on my column.
As a pet owner who is strongly considering putting his dog on a one-way flight next time she drags a dead opossum into our driveway, I’m intrigued.
I’ve heard that flying as cargo can be a bit unsettling for typical household pets such as cats, dogs and walruses. When my stepmom flew with her old, ornery Siamese cat to Seattle a decade ago, Louie apparently became quite unsettled. And the results of the unsettling settled all in his fur. She took Louie into the airport bathroom to try to clean him up and folks rushed out of there faster than I would if ex-Sen. Larry Craig were tapping his foot in the next stall. They wound up taking Smelly Cat to some pet superstore where they went into disaster mode and called in reinforcements. The governor even sent in the National Guard. OK, I’m exaggerating — it was actually an elite pack of Cub Scouts.
The airline is for pets only, so don’t think you’ll be riding next to Fido. They will have pet attendants, potty breaks and basically be treated like a bunch of humans on a plane — except they’ll be called “pawsengers.” Seriously.
I’ve scanned the Web site, but I couldn’t find all the answers I needed to the kinds of burning questions a serious journalist — or myself — would ask. Such as:
Ÿ Are dogs and cats the only pawsengers (gag!) allowed, or can you fly your snake? Because snakes on a plane sounds like a bad idea. Samuel L. Jackson agrees with me.
Ÿ Will the dogs try to smuggle their humans on board?
Ÿ Will those little prissy toy dogs — the kind rich women carry around in their arms — fly first class? Will mutts be sent to the back of the plane?
Ÿ What movies will they show? “Lady and the Tramp?” “Homeward Bound?” “The Aristocats?”
Ÿ Can you fly your pet bird? That would be a little too ironic, don’t you think?
Ÿ Will the planes’ bathrooms have fire hydrants or trees for the dogs? And if you’re a hound who spots a smokin’ hot French poodle, will you be allowed to join the mile-high club?
Ÿ And, most importantly, will alcohol be served? I think Saint Bernards and basset hounds can probably hold their liquor, and basset hounds look drunk anyway. But you get some chihuahua full of tequila and the next thing you know he’s picking a fight with the doberman pinscher in row D. My co-worker Sandra’s chihuahua Chipper (yeah, right) has tried to kill me several times and it’s usually sober. Insane, but sober.
Anyway, those are just a few burning questions. At least, I think that’s what’s burning. Could be the popcorn I put in the microwave an hour ago.
Contact Chris Johnson at firstname.lastname@example.org or 706-320-4403.