For the last couple or 20 years, I’ve been trying to lose a couple of pounds.
It’s been difficult, and at times I’ve conceded that the only way I’ll ever have six-pack abs is to attach cans of Bud Light to my stomach with duct tape.
However, I’m now down to that last pound, which sure seems more like 10 pounds — to me and the scale. But I’m inspired to knock it out by finally combining the diet and exercise tips I’ve learned over the years with my superior reasoning power.
I’m certainly qualified to be my own trainer. After all, I wrote the diet book “Quit Eating So Dang Much and Get Off Your Lazy Butt and Exercise.” Though heralded by literally one or two scientists as “groundbreaking” and “a book”, it didn’t even make the Possum Holler Times’ best-seller list.
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Actually the title was the complete text of the book, and that may have hurt sales. That, and the fact that only four people in Possum Holler can read.
Still, I’ve learned so much over the years. The most important thing I’ve learned is that there’s no one-size-fits-all diet plan. A successful diet must be tailor-made for you.
I can’t tell you what will work for you. Because if I tell you, you’ll tell the fat guy next door and he’ll tell his manicurist and then the secret will be out and everybody will be lean, and I won’t feel special. But I will let you in on how my personal plan works.
Exercise is crucial. Now that I live in the Boonies, I no longer belong to a gym. So I must be more creative. I’ve tried running, cycling, tennis and swimming, but now I’m on a new kick — pole dancing. We didn’t even have to buy a pole because there’s a large wooden utility pole out back. I’ve gotten good at it, too, although my upside-down spin move gave me splinters in the darnedest places.
I’ve also been drinking Slim Fast. Tommy Lasorda told me to have one in the morning and one at lunch, but that’s nothing. I drank 32 cans of Slim Fast yesterday.
And healthy eating is all about balance. Now, by balance I don’t mean the way I used to go to Troy’s Snack Shack and order four double-chili-cheesebugers with a Diet Coke. That’s not balance. Balance would be four double-chili-cheeseburgers and four Diet Cokes.
Metabolism is another word that’s crucial to understand. I used to think metabolism was one of the elements on the periodic table, somewhere between beryllium and cheese. But, in essence, metabolism is whether the cells in your body feel like burning fat or just wallowing around in it. My body has extremely lazy cells who just kinda lie by the pools of fat and work on their suntans.
But I’ve heard that the colder the food or drink that you ingest, the harder even the lazy cells will work to process it, thereby boosting your metabolism and your fat-burning.
I tested that theory during my last trip to Panama City Beach by ingesting several frozen margaritas. I can tell you for a fact that it works because after just a few frozen drinks, I looked in the mirror and I’ll be danged if I wasn’t a dead ringer for Brad Pitt.
ContactChris Johnsonat email@example.com or 706-320-4403.