Scientists insist Fawn Vinson doesn’t exist. They say she could have never been conceived or born, much less survived. And, I’d say the same if she weren’t my second cousin.
It all began 22 years ago when my cousin Hank and I were deer hunting on my family’s land back home. At least, I think it was my family’s land. I’m sure it was some family’s land anyway.
I was sleeping. That’s how I deer hunt. I don’t even use a gun. My snoring serves as a deer call.
I was awakened by a gunshot and Hank’s scrambling down the tree. We arrived to find he’d wounded a doe in the leg. He raised the gun to put her out of her misery, but she didn’t seem terribly hurt. She batted her eyes at him, and he just couldn’t do it. We took her back to Hank’s hunting cabin where he planned to nurse her back to health.
Hank was just out of a relationship with a kinda female trucker and was coping with a little too much help from the bottle. Well, that doe was a real beauty and one thing led to another, and seven months later, a miracle happened — Fawn Vinson.
The happy moment was marred by tragedy, though, as the new mother pranced around in joy, only to be blindsided by a passing bauxite truck.
Fawn’s school days were tough. Kids can be cruel, especially when you’re furrier than the other kids and you have to hold your pencil with two hooves to write.
However, when she got to high school, she excelled in track and field, sometimes reverting to running on all fours in the 100 meters. She blew away the state record in the girls long jump by seven feet. She was bound for a college scholarship, maybe even the Olympics, until the Georgia High School Association ruled her ineligible because she had no birth certificate.
Apparently, the note given to the GHSA by our veterinarian Doc Sanders — “I was there; I seen it!” — was deemed insufficient.
She dropped out of school and now works at the Interstate House of Waffles at the junction of Highway 26 and the U.S. 19 bypass near Ellaville, where she bats her beautiful eyes at lonely truckers. And she’s not totally unattractive. Kinda what you’d get if Sen. John Kerry and Susannah Hoffs from the Bangles had a child.
I saw her yesterday at the diner. She said she walks to work everyday because “cars just make me skittish and confused.” She clutched the coffee pot with both hooves as she refilled my cup.
She said she dates Buck Jenkins but it’s nothing serious. She added that she’s glad with deer season approaching that the Interstate House of Waffles switched to orange uniforms.
So, hunters, if you see a doe in an orange shirt walking upright along the roadside, please, my family implores you:
Chris Johnson, whose column runs on Sundays, can be reached at 706-320-4403.