The Hills - the premiere
I’m live blogging the premiere of The Hills, and I missed the first five minutes. Sorry. You’ll never know what happened in those first five minutes. Never, ever know.
Wait! It’s on! We didn’t see Heidi’s face when she was with Spencer in their house. It was all “Phantom of the Opera” there for a while. But now she’s back home with mom in snowy Colorado.
Her face! My eyes! Her mom is crying. Heidi is listing off the multitude of surgeries she’s had. The elephant man didn’t see a surgeon this much. And mom said Heidi looked better before.
“I actually wanted bigger boobs, but they couldn’t fit them in.”
All right. I’ll go ahead and say it. Los Angeles has awful values. You are a bad, bad city.
Now Heidi’s crying. This is worse than Bruce Jenner, people.
Next scene - Drinking party with Brody
What, there’s alcohol? The Maxim Superbowl Party? Did anyone invite Kendra? Naw, she’d just drop the ball if she were there.
So, what’s going on? Brody is hitting on Audrina and Kristin is looking at them. No one can beat The Hills on meaningless, vacuous stares.
OK, here’s the meaningless drama. It’s late and Kristin doesn’t want to leave, so she starts drinking more. Commercial!
Back from the break. Audrina, Kristin and Lo sitting around, gabbing. Kristin stayed out until 5 a.m., she’s hoarse. Hey, why is Lo on this show? Didn’t they write her out?
Now we’re in Colorado. Heidi’s family is out eating dinner, and they’re talking about her surgery. There’s a little too much counseling going on in this episode. Shouldn’t this be kept behind closed doors? Is there a HIPAA violation going on?
“How’s that burger? Do you want me to put it in a blender for you?” mom asks, because Heidi's having problems chewing.
“You went too far,” Heidi said.
No, that was an awesome joke. We need more jokes about Heidi’s plastic surgery.
Now we’re back with the girls, talking about Brody. And … here we go with Kristin’s potential drinking/drug problem.
Kristin and Stacie (the bartender) back at the club. Kristin is drinking what looks like PGA out of the bottle, and Stacie is right behind her.
Uh oh, another commercial!
We are back on, people. Kristin obviously has a (fake, this is just for TV) problem with drinking and drugs. Her TV friends are very concerned about her well being.
(Oh, jeez, now we have to whisper about her, because she’s still in the room and we’re right here talking about her.)
But, since they’re in the same room, she can hear.
“People are saying things about you. People are saying you’re doing drugs.”
One reason why they're saying that - her legs are too skinny. Really? What's she on? Adkins?
And here’s the anger. Kristin lashes out! A reference to Stephanie’s past use of drugs.
And cue the sad music. You know, with the amount of booze Robert Smith has had in his life, shouldn’t they be playing some Cure now?
Back to Colorado, where you never seen grass because of all the snow. Heidi’s about to return to the most terrible, evil city on the planet … and her parents are driving her to the airport.
OK, scene with Kristin getting in a black SUV. Scene with Heidi in an SUV.
Heidi’s had enough for a while. Enough of what? Common sense? So, she’s going back to LA for something wholesome and healthy?
I hate you, Hills.