A lot of folks see the lawsuit filed by New York Yankees fan Andrew Rector as emblematic of everything that's wrong with America today -- which is utterly ridiculous because we all know that simply being a Yankees fan is what's emblematic of everything that's wrong with America today.
After all, no team in any sport has worked so hard -- sometimes successfully -- to buy its way to the top. Of course, now that America has practically turned into an oligarchy, the Yankees are just rolling with the flow. The last time the Yankees won the World Series, I wanted to run the headline "CHAMP$". But not being an oligarch myself, I decided I needed to keep my paycheck and changed my mind.
But back to Mr. Rector, who has filed a $10 million defamation lawsuit against ESPN, the Yankees and pretty much everyone who laughed when he was caught on camera snoozing in the stands during a Yankees-Red Sox game in April.
Shortly after the suit was filed, the story hit the airwaves, Facebook and Twitter. Legal expert after legal expert commented on the frivolous lawsuit and how it will undoubtedly be thrown out -- kinda like how O.J. was undoubtedly guilty. When it comes to the American court system, you just can't be sure ... even when you're completely, totally sure.
Now, I'm not saying that this Yankees fan is likely to win his lawsuit or even have it go to trial, but stranger things have happened -- e.g. the McDonald's hot coffee verdict, Lyle Lovett-Julia Roberts, the fame of the Kardashians.
Even if he doesn't get his $10 million or even $10, he's certainly gotten more than his 15 minutes of fame. He'll probably get his own sports talk show or reality TV show. (Coming up next on TLC, "Chubby Guy Sleeping"!) And why did an attorney take this case? An awful lot of free advertising.
In other words, simply filing this ludicrously frivolous lawsuit may be totally worth it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he was pretending to sleep in order to get this attention to begin with. I've been around New York Yankees fans and they are way too loud and annoying to sleep within 100 yards of them.
So, my advice to you all is to fill
our court system with frivolous lawsuits. God knows I've suffered some emotional distress in my life that I thought was just bad luck or was self-inflicted, but maybe I can file lawsuits in the following cases:
My eighth-grade algebra teacher allowing half the class (not including me) to have books during a textbook shortage and using that as an opportunity to have those with books basically do the teaching. I didn't have a book, was forever left behind in algebra and still have a moral objection to mixing numbers and letters.
The deer who jumped out in front of my truck on a foggy night, doing $9,000 worth of damage, yet somehow managing to disappear. If she'd have dropped dead, I at least could've gotten a few dinners out of the incident and would be willing to drop the emotional distress claim.
Every attractive girl who attended my high school from 1984 to 1988 for turning me down repeatedly. If only they could have foreseen the man I'd someday become, they would've well, probably gone a step further and taken out a restraining order, but still.
There are many other frivolous lawsuits I could file, but all the lawyers I know are decent folks who wouldn't waste their time -- or our court system's time -- on such baloney. Well, I've gotta run. Mr. Rector has inspired me in other ways too.
I need a nap.
-- Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting or on Twitter @kudzukid88.