Taxi companies are not very thrilled with the emergence of services like Uber and Lyft, which provide an easy way for folks who need ride from the airport, a safe transport home from the bar or a way to avoid the hassle of driving around a big city, particularly one they might not be familiar with.
I’ve used Uber in big cities like Atlanta and Indianapolis, as well as mid-sized cities like Savannah — one of the most beautiful cities in America but also one of the most frustrating in which to drive.
Unfortunately, this service is not as common in smaller cities and is non-existent in some small towns and unincorporated rural areas, such as where I grew up back in Possum Holler.
Fortunately, you have bright folks like me who see this problem as an opportunity. Therefore, I have founded a company that works in a similar fashion as Lyft and Uber but focuses on such rural areas. Right now, the service is only available in rural Georgia and Alabama. So, if you’re lucky enough to live in a community like Possum Holler, I invite you to give Guber a try.
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I’ve yet to launch the app for smartphones — mainly because I have no idea how that works. Therefore, to hail one of our drivers, you’ll need to step outside and yell, “Hey, Guber!”
One of our professional drivers will be by in a jiffy (precise timing ranges from 5 minutes to three days, depending upon your location) to pick you up.
Like the other services, you can select from a wide range of vehicles — such as rusty pickup, loud pickup, dead deer on the hood pickup, rebel flag flying pickup, and (our most popular choice) the muddy, jacked-up, Bocephus-blaring pickup with a train horn under the hood.
You’ll enjoy the comfort of plenty of leg room in the bed of the truck and a whole new hairstyle completely free of charge. Some of our upgraded rides offer soft, plush coon dogs for you to lie against. (Note: That’s “lie” and not “lay.” We are not grammar police here at Guber, but we’d hate to have to ban any more riders.)
You can trust our drivers because they are rated by people just like you on a scale from “(5) still alive” down to “(1) the doctors say I can leave the hospital next week.” If that were not enough, you can also leave testimonials about your experience, such as this one from Larry Joe Tunamanoor of Possum Holler:
“Big Gene got me there with hardly no sand flying in my eye and only a couple of hits in the head from empty PBR cans, which reminded me of my wife. I also found Curtis Loew fur to be especially plush and soft, which also reminded me of my wife. Other than me having no idea where he’s dumped me out, he did a fine job. OK, I assume that was a bobcat I just heard.”
Most of our drivers are equipped with Waze driving technology, specially altered for our areas of service. You might hear our Southern Waze provide our drivers with helpful instructions, such as “Po-Po up ahead hiding in that empty spot where Uncle Joe crashed his GMC in ’77” or “Raccoon reported on right side of road ahead. Would you like a barbecue recipe?”
So, if your wife has taken off with your own truck or you’ve had too many beers at Booger Bottom, give Guber a holler. And tell ‘em I said hey.
To order Chris Johnson’s latest book, “Wastin’ Away on Margaritahill,” visit Kudzukid.com.