From Colin Kaepernick to Robert E. Lee to Donald Trump to political correctness to assault weapons to Mary Ann or Ginger, there seems to be no end to all the arguing in America these days. And this country has more than its fair share of things worth arguing about.
I’ve got some pretty strong opinions on a lot of these issues, but I long for a more agreeable time.
Americans have united over causes big and small over the years. Remember New Coke? We dropped everything to unite and demand that the Coca-Cola company return our classic flavor of diabetes in a can. We succeeded and went back to swaying back and forth with our Classic Coke, trying to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Of course, when you listen to most pop music today, we obviously failed in teaching the world to sing, but at least we got ‘em hooked on Coke.
And we can unite again, America, on common causes. Let’s examine a few issues where we can come together, right now, over me.
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Let’s start with sports. Obviously NFL preseason football is horrendous and must be cut back to two games, max. And Major League Baseball needs to cut down its regular season games to about 120. By that time, we know who’s good and who’s not. It just becomes a matter of endurance and what pitcher’s arm falls off later in the season.
How about drugs? No, not the kind that make your teeth fall out and make you think the squirrels in the backyard are monkeys from outer space. I mean pharmaceuticals — the overpriced things bankrupting our health care system. We all agree most are way too expensive, but I think we can all agree we don’t need them advertised on TV anymore. You hear five seconds of benefits and then 25 seconds of horrible side effects. I may like that this drug will keep my knuckles from itching, but I’m not sure I’m willing to endure depression, suicidal thoughts, fatal bleeding or anal leakage. I am anti-leakage.
What about all the graphics they put all over the TV screen these days? I don’t mind a news crawl at the bottom, but I don’t need CNN to plaster half the screen with a countdown to some stupid town hall. And I don’t need cable TV shows to put a bug on the screen to tell me what channel I’m on and what show I’m watching. When I see blood-thirsty zombies stumbling around, I know this is AMC’s “The Walking Dead” or perhaps a white-supremacist rally.
And we need scientists to focus on important things. That’s great that you’ve discovered a solar system exactly like ours 250 gazillion trilling miles away, but that’s just interesting and not helpful. Cure cancer, design football headgear that will protect against brain injuries and find a way to make healthy food like kale and tofu taste like fried chicken and chocolate.
If we could unite behind just a few issues like these, maybe we can take a day or two off from hurling insults at each other. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to catch the third quarter of this preseason game and see which of these fourth-string linebackers might be bagging my groceries next week. Oh, and I need to take some Thumproxidanicol. My knuckles are itching.
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