According to NOAA — the Nebraska Organization for Avacados and Aardvarks — this year’s winter is expected to be warmer than usual. This follows, of course, on the heels of last year’s warmer-than-usual winter.
I thought about this Sunday, while sweating and getting sunburned on the golf course where I was wearing shorts and wondering when fall was going to start. Yes, I know fall officially started a month ago, but the seasons are a little out of whack these days in case you haven’t noticed.
Georgia, for instance, now has only three seasons — 48 weeks of summer, two weeks of fall and two weeks of spring. Apparently, Old Man Winter has retired.
Some would say this is a result of climate change, but those people probably also believe scientific evidence about the Earth being round and somewhat more than 6,000 years old. I don’t know how the Earth feels about this scientific evidence, but I wouldn’t blame it for encouraging the ignorant masses because round isn’t a particularly popular or a flattering shape, and if I were 4.5 billion years old I’d probably lie about my age, too.
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Obviously, global warming is a hoax because Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., made a snowball one day, and my crazy Uncle Joe went on Facebook during that one freezing January day to post his annual status update: “18 degrees! Global warming? Ha! #FakeNews”
But you planet-loving liberals need to look on the bright side of not having any more winters down here in Georgia and Alabama. I know I am.
For instance, our schools no longer have to factor “snow days” into their calendars. Although, they do have to account for the tropical weather that now slams such exotic locales as Cusseta, Ladonia and Buena Vista.
If the seas keep rising, I won’t have nearly as far to drive to get to the beach. Anything that gets me closer to the beach — even if it means my grandchildren will ultimately have to move to Mars 60 years from now — is a good thing. I’m currently looking into building a beach resort in Dothan.
President Donald Trump might have finally made it OK for us to say “Merry Christmas” again — whew — but we’ll also be able to say “Mele Kalikimaka” because Columbus is going to feel a lot more like Honolulu on Dec. 25.
Some people say their favorite animal is a dog. Others prefer cats. My favorite animal is grilled. And barbecue season now lasts all year long.
Hot chocolate is great, but frozen margaritas are better.
My peach trees might not produce properly without the freezing temperatures they used to get around here, but perhaps I can replace them with lime trees. And frozen margaritas are better with fresh limes.
Of course, the best thing about our fading winters is that I can wear shorts dang near 48 weeks of the year. True, it’s mostly about my being comfortable, but it’s also about enhancing the scenery for all of you other folks.
Order Chris Johnson’s latest book “Wastin’ Away Again on Margaritahill” at KudzuKid.com.