When I was little, I enjoyed going out with my dad from time to time squirrel hunting, dove hunting and raccoon hunting. I was shooting about as soon as I could hold up my dad's .22 rifle.
I never really got a thrill out of hunting, though. And in the past couple of decades, about the only thing I've shot at is aluminum cans -- purely in self-defense, of course. Quite frankly, I've always been a pretty good shot.
But I never developed a love of guns. Perhaps it's because of my aversion to loud things -- must be the writer in me who gets easily distracted and annoyed by noise. That's why I prefer kayaks over speedboats, bicycles over motorcycles and fishing over hunting. About the only thing I hunt these days is peace and quiet.
While I don't get the need to own dozens of guns or assault rifles, I do support the Second Amendment -- especially the "well-regulated" part. Of course, some will say the "well-regulated" term applies only to militias, but that would mean the Second Amendment was written to address militias rather than individual rights to bear arms.
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Quite frankly, I'm not sure what the Founding Fathers' intent was in writing that amendment. I do know that they were not very good at specifics. I suspect if they could envision some fellow with a Confederate flag t-shirt and Nazi swastika tattooed on his forehead toting around an AR-15 at an airport, they'd say, "Hey, we might oughta underline that part about well-regulated! And what's an airport?"
After the recent sickening shootings in Charleston by a racist moron, the response was typical when it comes to guns: Left-wingers want more restrictions, and right-wingers
hug their guns and point out that if only every good person was armed, we'd be safer.
The closest thing to a solution to this unsolvable problem likely lies somewhere in between. But even most good guys with guns agree that some form of regulation is necessary, so long as it doesn't get in the way of their owning 47 arms, including an AR-15, bazooka and nuclear missile.
Fortunately, I've come up with a handy-dandy checklist that I expect our ultra-efficient Congress to pass, ensuring that only good guys can possess guns. (It may be best understood if you read it in your Jeff Foxworthy you-might-be-a-redneck voice.)
-- If you think the moon landing was staged, you can't have a gun.
-- If you think your god supports the killing of anyone, especially those of another religion, you can't have a gun.
-- If you have anyone in your family that you call Aunt Sister or Mama Cousin, you can't have a gun.
-- If you think a liberal Democrat or right-wing Republican truly wants to destroy our country, you can't have a gun.
-- If you look down upon anyone because of the color of their skin, you can't have a gun.
-- If you think President Obama is the anti-Christ or was born in Kenya, you can't have a gun.
-- If you can't keep it out of the hands of curious 3-year-olds, you can't have a gun.
-- If you are scared of a kid 50 pounds lighter than you who is armed with Skittles, you can't have a gun.
-- If you need to join a motorcycle gang to feel strong (not a riding club for fellowship, mind you) and aren't man enough to ride alone, you can't have a gun.
-- And, finally, if you've ever spread anything on social media that sounded too stupid to be true without fact-checking it -- such as the president's invading Texas or pictures of rivers running red to signal the end of times -- you can't have a gun.
Yes, that ought to narrow it down a little. Heck, that might even narrow it down to just myself having a gun. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go beer can hunting with Uncle Brother.
Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting or on Twitter @kudzukid88.