The International Commission on Scientific Studying has released an alarming new study on humankind, and it confirms some of my worst fears.
"After years of research involving tens of thousands of human beings, lab rats, monkeys and flying squirrels, we have reached the conclusion that everything is bad for you," Dr. Ned Nerdstein announced at yesterday's summit in the Georgia resort town of Rupert. "We are advising our fellow humans and residents of Oklahoma to avoid everything and replace everything with something else in their daily lives."
Dr. Nerdstein said that everything has been linked to higher rates of cancer, diabetes, liver lesions, lip swelling, hair loss, toenail fungus, parvo and itchy knuckles. Oh, and premature death, as well as postmature death.
Scientists are urging everyone to not to eat everything, drink everything, breathe everything, listen to everything or stare at everything directly with the eyes. Scientists said that the only safe everything is a non-everything.
Television news outlets interrupted much of yesterday's programming with scary red "Breaking News" graphics and dramatic music that sounded like Darth Vader was entering the room. However, after Nielsen ratings showed that viewers viewed the term "Breaking News" as "just another news story," TV news outlets finally managed to get the public's attention about the danger of everything with graphics that read, "No, really, this is ACTUAL NEWS THAT IS ACTUALLY BREAKING. DROP EV
The news also took social media by storm as #everything became one of the world's hottest new hashtags, ranking just behind #Iamcait.
Radio stations have done their part by banning Ray Stevens' "Everything Is Beautiful," Bread's "Everything I Own" and especially Lauryn Hill's "Everything Is Everything."
"Sesame Street" has even helped educate children with a special episode in which Elmo visits the doctor to discuss everything. In one scene, Elmo reassures kids that a living will can be a lot of fun.
Several presidential candidates were reached for comment. Donald Trump said he would fire and sue everything. Hillary Clinton said she was either for or against everything and would let us know as soon as she sees how it's polling. Rick Santorum said he would pray about everything. Mike Huckabee said everything is God's revenge for legalizing gay marriage. Lindsey Graham said he would bomb everything. Chris Christie said he would eat everything. Ted Cruz said he didn't believe in everything as it comes from the same kinds of scientists who invented such bogus things as climate change and facts. And Bernie Sanders said only the top one-tenths of one percent has everything anyway.
In Washington, President Obama made the following statement in the Lily Garden: "It has come to my attention that everything is a major concern. This morning I met with Republican members of Congress to seek a bipartisan solution to everything, but after asking me how I got into the building or for a refill, they let me know they are too busy handling nothing to get bogged down in everything. I have directed Vice President Biden to lead a task force on how to get rid of everything before it's everywhere. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading down South to steal some guns. Good day, and may God bless Kenya. Boogity boogity boogity. Praise Allah."
Connect with Chris Johnson at Facebook.com/KudzuKidWriting.