It’s time for the annual parody of a family holiday newsletter from Mrs. William Percy Keats-Shelley:
Dear Friends, Family, Coworkers, and Character Witnesses:
Boy howdy! We thought 2016 was something, but this sure has been another eventful year for our family, since our daughter Kay Sara-Sara came out, in public.
We are deeply troubled by these revelations regarding her orientation, because we just don’t see how she can survive, in the South, as a vegetarian. So we are sneaking meat into her food. And if you don’t think you can disguise processed meat as tofu, you have not bought off the bottom shelf.
Meanwhile we are enjoying the college football championships, as unlike the NFL, they involve no arguments over the First Amendment and racial injustice. The only reason fans kneel during an SEC national anthem is they’re so drunk they keep falling down.
Though we are a mixed family, we don’t let our heritage define us. So the Alabama, Auburn and Georgia cousins don’t say they’re going to kill each other. They go hunting and say things like, “Damn, Earl! You kilt that squirrel deader than Georgia kilt Auburn!”
This is reassuring now that everyone’s so paranoid about getting shot we all open-carry. We were so squeezed in at the Thanksgiving table everyone elbowed each other in the gut when we all drew at once over who got the last biscuit.
Bill and I are happy to report that our son Billy and his baby’s mama finally moved out of the basement and got their own place. We have more privacy now that all we have to do is close the curtains so they can’t look through our back windows. They promise next year to move the trailer out of our backyard.
Bill’s drinking buddies still come by, though we had to get rid of their fire barrel to move the trailer in, and nothing but an old tire’s back there for them to stand around while they chug Bud Light like sump pumps.
So they got the sofa the neighbors put out by the curb, and set it on the front lawn in front of the picture window facing the wide-screen TV Bill beat up an old lady for on Black Friday. Now they can sit outside and drink and smoke and watch TV, too.
For a while they were trying to hang out in the kitchen, and their cigarettes kept setting off the carbon-monoxide detector. One day we opened a window and the smoke poured out like a landfill fire. Then a neighbor called 911, and the fire department broke down the door and turned a 1½-inch-hose on Kay Sara Sara, just to back her off.
Lucky for us, Bill’s friend Cooter was the deputy on duty that day, so he was there to explain that as far as he knows, she only thinks she’s on fire.
Also we got news last week that Bill’s friend Buster finally can mortgage his ex-wife’s house to get out on bond. We’re pretty sure he’s going to make it, this time, now that everyone understands there are good people on both sides of the issues we face today.
So those swastikas he carved in his head with the pencil the rookie jail guard accidentally gave him don’t automatically rule out his release. In the spirit of the holidays, we will let him move into our basement, if it’s not within 1,000 feet of an elementary school or daycare center.
We feel we can afford to help him out, now that Bill’s long-anticipated promotion appears back on track, after he publicly apologized for his past inappropriate behavior.
So in the spirit of the holidays, we wish you the best for 2018, and hope you have vivid memories of 2017, if you don’t have to plead the Fifth or swear you can’t recall because you’re testifying before a federal grand jury.