Well, I am just in slack-jawed shock.
Last week in response to a fundraising appeal from Republican U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore, I wrote that I would be in slack-jawed shock if he needed even a donation of $35 to beat Democrat Doug Jones in bloody crimson-red Alabama.
Then Jones won the election, and it turned out $35 might have helped, after all. With $35, you could buy Roy Moore a fine cut of prime rib, and he would have to stop talking to eat it.
So, I was wrong to cynically predict Moore would win and go on to Washington, and there try to find somewhere to hide from the liberal media and the Republican establishment.
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This is what happens when I predict something. Decades back, it was so cold outside one winter that I wrote a column about how cold it was.
How cold was it?
It was so cold inmates frozen stiff were falling off the back of city garbage trucks.
It was so cold local TV news anchors were overheard on air cursing aloud during the weather forecast.
It was so cold police officers were sent to homeless camps so they’d have a fire barrel to huddle over.
This was before the newspaper was online, so no one saw that column right away. It would come out in the next morning’s paper.
Overnight, a warm front pushed through. By the time the column came out, the high was 65 degrees.
That’s what happens when people like me make predictions. The opposite happens. It’s the George Costanza of Prophecy: If everything you predict is wrong, predict the opposite.
I predict I will never win the Powerball lottery.
A lot of things people could not have predicted are happening these days.
For example, most of us would not have predicted that snow monkeys in Japan would have sex with deer. And yet, it has come to pass.
“Sexual interactions between snow monkeys and sika deer could be a new behavioral tradition within a group of monkeys observed in Japan, researchers have suggested,” reports The Guardian newspaper.
This unforeseen event shows you just never know which species are going to have sex with another species, despite all the livestock jokes we tell during college football season in Alabama.
Adds the Guardian: “The only previous reported case of sexual interactions between two distantly related species was that of an Antarctic fur seal observed sexually harassing king penguins – and in one instance, eating a bird after having sex with it.”
I don’t recall seeing that in the “March of the Penguins” documentary or the “Happy Feet” animated musical. Obviously the Warner Bros. movie company must be engaged in some sort of cover-up here.
Because no one yet has chipped in the $35 to buy Roy Moore something else to chew on, he’s still talking about the election, and refusing to concede, perhaps on the theory that he can’t lose if he was predicted to win. For his YouTube refusal of concession speech, he went on an “immorality sweeps over our land” riff, with a list:
“Abortion, sodomy and materialism have taken the place of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
“We have redefined marriage and destroyed the basis of family, which is the building block of our country.”
“We have even begun to recognize the right of a man to claim to be a woman, and vice versa.”
Some disgraced politicians today might say “sodomy and materialism” don’t necessarily conflict with “the pursuit of happiness,” but that’s not the point.
The point is, if you’re going to cite a litany of signs the world’s going to hell, you could at least throw in a few nature facts.
You could add that monkeys are having sex with deer, and seals are raping and eating penguins, and the liberals in Hollywood are covering it up.
It’s no crazier than a Democrat winning statewide in Alabama.