Monday is Valentine’s Day, so people who hate Mondays and Valentine’s Day are in for a treat.
But does Valentine’s Day have to be a drag? Can it not be a meaningful time to share our innermost thoughts? Or would that just make it worse?
So with that in mind, here’s the 2011 edition of “Cheap, Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts.”
Some shoppers think all you can get at a drugstore are stuffed animals, heart-shaped candy boxes and cards. But I saw several unique gifts there Friday while stocking up on painkillers, antacids and antidepressants in anticipation of this romantic holiday. Take cigarettes, for example: If you don’t gift-wrap a carton every year for your beau, you may instead want to tell him or her to quit now. And that means right now, if y’all are making out and your partner just paused for a cigarette, which happened to me a couple of times.
It’s like: “Seriously? Are you that bored? You know in movies people smoke after sex; they don’t take a cigarette break during foreplay. Does the risk of setting the bed afire add some excitement or what?”
If that’s what you want to say this Valentine’s Day, why not pick up a can of Gonesmoke? Priced at $5.03, Gonesmoke odor eliminator gets rid of that ashtray stench.
It’s the gift that says, “You quit or we split.”
If you or your lover’s cheating on another, you know the smell of smoke isn’t all that can linger in a romantic rendezvous: Follicle fallout leaves incriminating clues, too.
That’s why you need a Turbo Snake drain hair removal tool — to ensure no foreign sink or shower hair is left to investigate in your bathroom. For just $9.99, Turbo Snake comes with a sink snake, shower and tub snake, and a storage hook.
Speaking of snakes, if you love that Sugarland song “Stuck Like Glue,” why not symbolize it with a $3.99 bottle of SureHold Python Glue? The label promises “Less foaming, more holding,” so whatever that means.
With the poem, “Your beauty truly would be rare, if you supersized your hair,” you can give your lover a $5.99 set of Bumpits “hair-volumizing leave-in inserts,” available in blonde, light brown or dark brown-black. “From flat to fabulous in seconds,” it says.
Speaking of fabulous, for $9.99 you can buy your special someone a set of Cami-Secrets clip-on mock camisoles, “the layered look without the bulk.” It’s the gift that like a cop at a car wreck tells bystanders, “Move on — there’s nothing to see here.”
Cami-Secrets are labeled “As Seen On TV,” so you know they work.
Also seen on TV: The Windshield Wonder, the glass cleaner that fits in your glovebox. “Great for fog and moisture removal too!” reads the label.
It’s the gift that says: “I can’t see where this relationship is going.”
For further clarification, add a $9.99 bottle of B-12 vitamins: “Contributes to normal brain function.”
You can wrap that or just slip it into a drink.