I am living in the past.
My wife cut the cable, meaning not that she let me off the leash, but she canceled the cable TV and got a digital broadcast receiver.
Now I get like seven channels, including the major networks, but all I ever watch are old movies and 1970s sitcoms from when I was growing up, like "M*A*S*H," "Barney Miller," "All in the Family" and "Sanford & Son."
Also, I watch a cop drama called "The Rookies" in which Kate Jackson (of the original "Charlie's Angels") dresses like a nurse.
Kate Jackson was the Keira Knightley of my teens.
When turning on the TV means going back in time, it's like "The Twilight Zone" (which I can catch at 9:30 p.m. on MeTV).
Besides déjà vu, another annoying aspect of flashback TV is the commercial break, which is filled with ads directed at people who can't get erections or control their bladders or get wise to the fact Medicare pays for scooters.
Pharmaceuticals also play a lead in this advertising opera, and much of their script now is the legal disclaimer, which can take more words than the rest of the ad.
Some drug warnings sound like they came from drunk risk-managers joking around, so I've started a list of my own, for which I've invented a drug called "Tryidol," with the slogan: "Tryidol -- before it's too late."
Here's a free sample of the warnings so far:
Some patients taking Tryidol may grow crab claws for hands and accidentally decapitate themselves putting on ties.
Tryidol is a hormone treatment that may turn you into the opposite sex even if you just had a sex-change operation.
If you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, make the most of it.
Women who are nursing or considering a career in nursing should not take Tryidol.
Tryidol may cause vivid dreams from which you awake screaming in council, school board or staff meetings.
Drink alcohol to excess before resorting to Tryidol.
Side effects may include hair on your tongue and cutting your tongue out trying to shave it.
Women who are thinking of becoming pregnant should slip a man a Tryidol.
"DunTryditol" is an illegal street drug not associated with Rehab Corp. or its subsidiaries.
Some studies show Tryidol may cause short-term memory loss as well as other things.
Do not take Tryidol if you have been through the desert on a horse with no name.
Call 911 if you pass out and stop breathing while taking Tryidol.
Slipping Tryidol to children younger than 5 is illegal in most states outside the South.
When used for male hormone therapy, Tryidol should not be left where a woman will touch it or she'll grow hair like Chewbacca. (Unless you're into that.)
Feeding Tryidol to pets may make their eyes flame with demonic fury.