It wouldn’t kill a kid’s sense of Christmas wonder to know Santa Claus is not coming to town, as their next governor or state representative, no matter how many times their parents write in his name on the ballot.
Santa Claus was a favorite among the write-ins recorded in Muscogee County, during the Nov. 6 midterm elections, but clearly he is not a credible candidate.
First of all, Santa doesn’t even … live here. He lives at the North Pole, so he can’t establish residency. Also, he’s a burglar and a liberal who breaks into homes late at night to give people stuff instead of taking it away.
Similarly, going down the list of Columbus’ write-in results, Mickey Mouse already occupies a critical position of authority in Orlando, Fla., so he doesn’t live here, either.
Speaking of youthful fantasies, fans of the Clinton-era sit-com “Seinfeld” may recall George Costanza’s attending a child’s birthday party where he harangues Eric the Clown for having never heard of Bozo the Clown, until Eric yells, “You’re living in THE PAST, man! You’re hung up on some clown from the SIXTIES, man!”
Most voters who write in fantasy figures here are hung up on cartoon characters from the ‘60s, man.
They have crossed neither into the Marvel nor the DC Comics universe: For every Thanos or Deadpool or Batman flitting by is a flock of Donald Ducks or a formation of Snoopy” sailing over a rabbit hole of Bugs Bunnys buried in an avalanche of Snow Whites.
A state delegate running unopposed triggers dreams of a disgruntled Baby Boomer TV land where write-ins Howdy Doody and “Yosemite Sam” wrangle “Bullwinkle” bills through the Georgia General Assembly.
Still mavericks remain, amid this hackneyed herd of has-beens, as some voters typed in little-known characters such as Hingle McCringleberry, Fats the Cat, Napoleon Dogboy and Lord Buckethead.
Making a list
Here by office are some other names voters wrote in, as spelled:
Governor: Abraham Lincoln, Debbie Buckner, Jesus, Julia Slater, Momma Love, Need better choices, None, Pedro, Sam Nunn, Mark Jones, Randy Robertson, Ric Flair, Ron Paul, Teresa Tomlinson – Columbus’ Mayor, Christ Jesus, Danielle Forte, Self.
Attorney General: Alonzo Whitaker, God, Shayla, Army Rgr Jon Jackson Comfort Farmd, JQ Nunoftheabove.
State School Superintendent: Eddie Obleton, Horace Horsecollar, Gorilla, Harriet Tubman, No.
Public Service Commission: Apostle Paul, Tim Echols.
U.S. House, District 2: Democrat other than Sanford Bishop, Garfield, Kanye West.
U.S. House, District 3: Charles Stanley In Touch, CM Punk, Sanford Bishop, Don Sando.
State Senate, District 15: Alice Cooper, Alton Russell, Bo Rambo, Bob Vance, Buddy Bryan, Clint Eastwood, Cooper, Freeman Worley, George Jetson, Gilroy, Herscel Walker, Jason Robertson, Joe Public, John Doe, John Schaun, John Wayne, John Wilkes Booth, Johnny Isakson, Judge Art Smith, Mark Cantrell, Marvin Gay, Max Headroom, Me, Mike Honcho, Pepe, Popeye the Sailorman, Q, Skip Henderson, Someone with fresh ideas, Turkey Leg, and The Great Satan, Conqueror of Heaven and Lord of All Mankind.
State Senate, District 29: Banana Jammer, Bert Coker, Bob Wadkins, Monnty Burns, Thersa Garcia Robertson.
State House, District 133: Andrew Young, Barbra Streisand, Bart Simpson, Boba Fett, Cthulhu, Glen Davis, Gritty, Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Dean, John Cena, Kaseem Reed, Metoo, Michael Moore, Murray Solomon, Myrtis Roach, Playol Shippey, Robert Felps, Sasquatch, Tarzan, Young Thug.
State House, District 134: Alfred E. Newman, Anonymous, Any Democrat, Anyone else, Anybody but him, Anybody the f--kelse, Anyone but him, Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, Biff Hadden, Beto, Bipartisan, Bullwinkle Moose, Colin Martin, Charlie Brown, Chocolate Chip, Chuck Norris, Danny Arencibia, Darth Vader, David Lewis, Dirk Diggler, Doc McStuffins, Fido, Error, Fred Flintsone, Garrett Lawrence, Grateful homeless people, Harambe, Hitler, Jackass, Jake from State Farm, Jed Harris – just kidding, Joe Camel, Joe Schmo, Lula Huff, Mark Shelnutt, My dog Bernie, N/A, No selection, Nobody, Not him, Oprah Winfrey, Other, Pebbles, Peter Griffin, Pete Temesgen, Sam Wellborn, Shinobi, Superman, Top Dog, Tom Brady, Tom Jones.
State House, District 135: Anybody who can do the job for free, Biscuit King, Bob Hope, Bob Vance, Bruce Huff, Cookie Monster, David Perdue, Deeznuts, Drew Ferguson, Elmer Fudd, Fred Durst, George Jefferson, George S. Patton, Jim Blancard, Joey Loudermilk, Johnny Appleseed, Rufus Riggs, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Hanks, Vince Dooley.
State House, District 136: A Republican, Alfred Pennyworth, Anyone but her, Billy Carter, Bob Marley, Bob Poydasheff, Brett Kavanaugh, Buzz Lightyear, Charlie Wilson, Daffy Duck, Daiisy Duck, Empty, Frank Lumpkin III, Josh McKoon, Jay Bailey. John Pezold, Karen Gaskins, Kirby Smart, Kirk Douglas, Mariah Carey, Michale Jackson, Mike Horner, Minnie Mouse, None, No one, None of the above, Mo Bomba, Vasquez, Pop Barnes, Rachel Ray, Rand McNally, Randy Kitchens, Regina Liparto, Robert Schultz, Rodney Dangerfield, Ronald McDonald, Scooby Do, Sharifa Jackson, Someone else, Ted Cruz, The other Republican candidate, Tim Tebo, Tommy Boswell, Vermin Supreme.
State House, District 137: Jack Kemp, Jim Evans, John Darr, Paul Olson, Red, Seth Harp, Silence Dogood, Stacey Jackson, Tanker, Travis Chambers, Wilson P, Ann Hardman, Baby, Bill Rumor, Bishop Vivian, Bob the Builder, Cameron Bean, Captain James T Kirk, Casper the Friendly Ghost, Conan the Barbarian, Deez Nutz, Dish Spoon, George Bush, Garett Toflinksi, Jim Carey, Jimmy Buffet, Judge Judy, Ligma Balls, Linda Pierce, Margret Thatcher, Mark Anthony, Martha Dicus, Mike Garner, My dog Hank, Neither, Nick Chubb, Nick Saban, Not necessary, Not sure, Not these two, Peter Hoffman, Ronald Reagan, Scrappy, Ted Nugent, William Kendrick, Zell Miller.