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Parental control

It'll be a weekend of frantic cleaning and last-minute attempts to hide character-damaging material.

For example, everything.

The cleaning spree is a result of my family's visit, which begins Sunday. I know things will be stressful, which is why I'm kicking the weekend off with a trip to the Shanty Shack (4475 Warm Springs Road, Columbus).

The club offers an eclectic variety of music — think Michael Jackson and Gretchen Wilson — and a consistently packed dance floor. All in all, it should be a great time.

When I go back to cleaning, my biggest challenge will inevitably be removing all traces of black dog hair from both the carpet and sofa cushions. A nearly impossible feat.

So I'm going to attempt to distract my family from the fur by purchasing some cool new knick-knacks at Pier 1 Imports (5555 Whittlesey Blvd., Columbus).

Finally, when my family arrives, I'll surprise them with take-out from Thai House (5592 Whitesville Road, Columbus).

Making sure, of course, to remove all traces of Styrofoam so my mom still believes I can actually cook.