JEFF HERRING: Ask yourself how your relationship is going

We all ask questions. All day, every day. We begin our day asking questions, and most of them are lousy questions. "Do I have to get up yet?" "Is it a weekend or a weekday?" "How many time can I hit the snooze button before I have to get up?"

You get the idea.

Many of the best motivational experts tell us that our lives are determined by the quality of our questions.

So why would it not be the same for our relationships?


It occurs to me that there are several relationship questions that most couples ask that are fairly lousy questions. Here are some of the lousy relationship questions that are good to avoid

- "Why doesn't he/she (fill in the blank) anymore?"

- "Why does he/she always/never (fill in the blank)?"

- "What happened to the fun and loving person I married?"

- "Why doesn't he/she ever think of me and my needs?"

- "What's in it for me anyway?"

Can you see how some of the questions above might not be the most helpful questions to be asking about your relationship and your partner? Well, why not? Take a moment to consider this - can there possibly be any good answers to these questions above? Are there any answers that give a couple hope or direction?

So why keep asking them? It's been said that one definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

If this is true, then the question then becomes, "Why do we keep making these crazy relationships?"


So if our typical relationship questions are really rather lousy, what else is there to do? Or asked from the gut level of desperation - "Is there any hope?"

I'm here to tell you that there is tons of hope here. Lousy questions get lousy answers. Better questions get better answers. Great questions get great answers.

So here are some suggestions for asking better and great questions of and in your relationships.

- "When were we the closest, and what did we do during those times that we could do again now?"

- "What is the purpose of our relationship?"

- "What kind of legacy do we want to leave with our relationship?"

- "What are the most important emotional needs of my partner?"

- "What are the dreams of my partner and how am I doing in helping her/him to make those dreams come true?"

- "What are the areas and subjects that are very sensitive to my partner?"

- "On a scale of one to ten, with one being the lowest and ten being the highest, how would I rank myself as a partner?" "If this number is lower that I want it to be, what can I start doing differently right now to make things better?"

Now while these are all, everyone of them, better and great relationship questions, you may have noticed that the questions are getting increasingly tougher, aren't they?

Now I'm going to close with the toughest question of them all, the one that your really have to have some guts and courage to ask.

Ask your partner - "On a scale of one to 10, with one being the lowest and 10 being the highest, how am I doing as a partner?"

Good luck.