If you've spent a night with Hank, the handsome handyman -- or Javier, the spicy jalapeno papa -- you know what I’m talking about.
The allure of the male burlesque dancer.
It’s an odd intrigue, one that was reflected in a friend’s eyes when earlier this week she asked me if the Chippendales dancers were still coming to town Friday.
Immediately, I flashed back to my first all-male dance revue — a night when my friends and I laughed nervously as a sea of Mr. T lookalikes flexed their posterior muscles to a never-ending techno remix of “It’s Raining Men.”
I’d give anything to go back to my normal routine of being hit on by bald guys with beer guts, I vowed. Or would I?
Deciphering the motives of female partiers who check out male dance shows — like Friday night’s Chippendales performance at Aqua Nightclub — can be difficult.
That’s because many male dance revues have earned popularity simply because of their corniness.
Rather than Candi moving seductively to “Pour Some Sugar on Me,” female patrons often get some cheap action figure knockoff dancing to a song you last heard in your eighth-grade talent show. (See Suave, Rico.)
But it’s not all cheese appeal. National touring groups like the Chippendales attract a sizeable share of guests with a genuine desire for some, um, beef.
For every partier giggling uncontrollably at Javier’s suggestive dance moves, there’s a woman glad she just cashed her entire paycheck in $1 bills.
Submitted for your approval, here are the four types of women you’re likely to see at Friday’s Chippendales show:
THE RUBBER NECKER
Identifying characteristics: Feigned laughter/boredom/repulsion to mask a sense of intrigue, lingering eyes during repeated trips to the bar or bathroom, diligent attempts to convince her friends not to leave early.
THE SUPER FAN
Identifying characteristics: A wallet’s worth of $1 bills, repeated requests for the DJ to play Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop,” a permanent position on a chair parked in the middle of the club’s stage.
THE JUST-TONIGHT FAN
Identifying characteristics: A faux bride veil, a button bearing the phrase “final fling before the ring,” a birthday tiara, a barrage of angry text messages to a former significant other.
THE UNWILLING PARTICIPANT
Identifying characteristics: A sticker reading “designated driver,” attempts to tip in pennies or dimes, rolled eyes.
Are these male dancers the pinnacle of artistic mastery? Probably not. But they do promise a night out of the ordinary. And that’s a good thing, regardless of your motives for attending.
So get your toolkit ready, Hank. It’s gonna be a busy night.
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