What's going on tonight?

Moobs for Males

Women aren't the only ones looking to increase their bustlines: Tonight, Memory Aqua Lane Nightclub reopens with a promotion that will give one lucky local man a free breast augmentation. Action starts at 9.

The contest, Moobs for Males, is the brainchild of a Columbus man who was outraged after learning he couldn't enter H2O's Boobs for Babes competition.

"My friends were turned on by Boobs for Babes, but I was just jealous. People called me a carpenter's dream throughout high school, and it wasn't because of my achievements in shop class," said the source, citing anonymity due to public humiliation over his small chest.

The male breast augmentation seems like an unconventional procedure, but the organizer of Moobs for Males says it's a secret dream for many men.

"Every night, I pray in front of a shirtless picture of Peter Griffin from 'Family Guy'. I'm not alone," he said.

-Sonya Sorich

Hug a CEO

Economic times are tough. Just look at the execs of AIG. Poor guys, moping around in their three-piece suits as they whisk themselves from one taxpayer-funded gala banquet to another.

Truly, these brave men need our help. That’s why you should join me this evening at a fundraiser for all corporate fat cats and CEOs, whose golden parachutes are now more akin to silver or maybe even copper.

At bars and nightspots across Columbus, there are special donation jars for our friends, the corporate overlords.

When you buy a glass of cheap beer tonight, drop a dollar into the jar labeled “For evil plutocrats.” You’ll feel a little better about yourself.

-Alan Riquelmy

For information on either of these events, call 706-PUN-KED1. Congratulations, you've just fallen victim our annual April Fools' Day prank.

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