JEFF HERRING: Affairs can heal if you are `SMART'

Affairs occur in so many relationships, and there are many myths about affairs. One of the most common myths is that an affair is always a fatal blow to a relationship.

"Coach Kim," relationship coach and founder and developer of the SMART system for affair recovery and prevention, believes that does not have to be the case. Let's take a closer look at the SMART system for affair recovery and prevention.

S - Signs - If you pay attention, many times there are signs that an affair is going on, or signs that a relationship is particularly vulnerable to an affair.

It is human nature to not what to see these signs at times. Seeing the signs of vulnerability is crucial to preventing an affair. Seeing the tell-tale signs of a current affair is crucial to confronting the situation and then dealing with it.

M - Maturity - Responding with rage, get back and utter devastation are common responses once an affair is discovered. Coach Kim advises us to slow down. While it is so tempting to react in immature ways at this point, one of the most important things you can do is take the time to step back, think, and respond maturely.

A - Ask - If you suspect an affair, ask. It may be one of the most painful questions you have ever had to ask, but it is necessary. It is necessary because in order to deal with an affair, you have to have it out on the table.

There are times when an affair is suspected and it is not so. We notice some signs and begin to create "stories" in our mind about what is happening. The problem with creating stories in our mind is that our emotions tag along whether the stories are real or not.

This is why it is so important to check it out and ask.

R - Revenge - "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive" are lyrics from Carrie Underwood's country hit "Before He Cheats."

Anger drops your IQ, according to Coach Kim.

I really like the song, and can easily see how someone could be that angry and hurt. At the same time, her next song needs to be about the consequences of these and other actions that follow in the song.

T - Time - An affair does not have to be the end of a relationship. In time, your relationship may not only heal, it can be even stronger than before the affair.

One of the ways in which your relationship can heal is through the second "T", which is to talk. Yes, talk about what happened and why it happened. If you can talk about it between the two of you great. If you can't, and many couples cannot at this point, it's time to find a good relationship coach that can guide you through this crisis and back to a strong relationship.

For more tips and tools about dealing with and recovering from an affair you can contact Coach Kim at