Working on a nap

We Americans have a knack for trying to get blood from a stone or squeezing blood from a turnip. One of those bloody metaphors anyway.

If students are struggling, we give them more hours in class, more work and more tests. If workers’ production slumps, we give them more work to do, more hours and more threats. No one can charge harder up the wrong hill than American government and corporations.

Which leads me to the subject of naps, of course. Studies have shown that they improve efficiency in workers and learning in students. Which is why we’ll never see naps promoted in the workplace or schools.

Why? Because those groups only like things that improve efficiency if they jibe with their preconceived notions. Kinda like the way people view news in our current propaganda age. Folks turn to websites and TV channels for “facts” to confirm what they already thought.

But being the altruistic person I am, I’ve decided to take the initiative and do enough napping on the job for the whole darn company. For every worker here hyped up on caffeine or the ones who bump into windows because their attention span is shot, there’s me — snoring somewhere around here.

I’ve been known to take naps around here long before I decided to take it to this new level in my continuing efforts to singlehandedly bolster company efficiency. (That’s what I put on my latest job review anyway. Sounds good, doesn’t it. Even threw some raise-worthy buzzwords like synergy and facilitate, too!)

I’ve been training for this nap effort since college when I — true story — carried what I called an “attendance policy pillow” on which I’d snooze to protest stupid attendance policies. They never quite understood I was the customer. But Art Appreciation made for some dang good napping. Thanks, Picasso!

We have a few conference rooms around here that make for pretty good sleeping. And I used to go up on the roof of the newspaper for naps, taking off my shirt to get a little sun in the process. Not to mention the thrill it gives the ladies at the nearby Synovus building with their cute little noses pressed against the window. Except for someone named Rosie who would send texts that read “put it back on!” I guess those naps were hurting Synovus’ efficiency while boosting ours.

By the way, in case our publisher or human resources lady is reading this and we’re not allowed on the roof, I didn’t really do that. Nor do I know that guy Synovus officials are complaining about.

Chris Johnson, or 706-320-4403.